MP Who Left Cancer-Stricken Wife For Mistress 'Did Not Break Any Rules'

THE Tory MP who had an affair while his wife was battling breast cancer last night insisted he had followed House of Commons rules 'to the letter'.

James Gray said the affair had been cleared by the parliamentary authorities and that he had receipts for all the hotels where he and his mistress had sex while his wife was in hospital.

He added: "You know what it's about? Jealousy. I have got a very, very large mistress. Some people say she looks a bit like Balmoral."

The Wiltshire North MP and his lover were married last weekend in a ceremony described by local activists as a very expensive way to resign.

The marital cheating rules, approved by the House of Commons in 1997, state that MPs are allowed to be unfaithful as long as the wife is unlikely to die within 48 hours.

The regulations also set out a John Lewis-style list of 'cheatable wife ailments' including most cancers, heart conditions, brain diseases and certain types of paralysis.

But an MP must also wait at least 48 hours after the wife dies before marrying the bouncy, large breasted woman who is up for absolutely anything.

Tory backbencher Sir Denys Finch-Hatton defended the system, adding: "If, for example, one's wife is paralysed from the waist down and confined to a wheelchair, how can one be expected to get one's end away?

"It seems only fair that when a hard-working MP with a seriously ill or disabled wife is in London he should be able to spend the night in a reasonably comfortable secretary."

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Australia Offers To Bowl Underarm

AUSTRALIA has offered to bowl underarm for the final Ashes test so they do not have to sit about for two days, waiting to catch their return flight to Sydney.

As captain Ricky Ponting warned that 'the devil makes work for idle hands', the Australians said treating England like a team of under-12s in a charity match should keep them busy until at least the morning of the 24th.

Ponting added: "I don't want us sitting there, flicking through the adult channels and reading Clive Barker novels when we could at least be playing a bit of cricket.

"If we bowl underarm and keep our hands in our pockets then we should hopefully get a chance to bat twice."

England were beaten by an innings and 80 runs, a level of defeat not seen in test cricket since 1982 when the Little Sisters of Mercy B team lost to the West Indies by an innings, 14,212 runs and three deaths.

Headingley's 'Barmy Army' supporters were silenced toward the end of play on Sunday and several were escorted from the ground after hatching a plan to insert a trumpet into Ravi Bopara.

The England team were weakened by the absence of Andrew Flintoff, Kevin Pietersen and a complete lack of a development programme for young players since the 13 year-old WG Grace shat himself at Lord's in 1861.

Captain Andrew Strauss said: "It's very kind of Ricky to make the offer and I only we hope we don't let him down.

"Underarm should be okay for Alistair Cook and Matt Prior, but I think the rest of the middle order are still going to need much wider bats and a couple of extra lives."