Oven-ready Brexit deal to be final challenge on Bake Off

A TRIO of amateur bakers will shoulder the hopes of a nation by creating oven-ready Brexit deals for the final challenge of The Great British Bake Off. 

After tackling battenbergs, babka and steamed buns, the finalist will have just three hours to create a showstopper challenge which impresses the EU, the ERG, Red Wall voters, the incoming Biden administration, Pru Leith and Paul Hollywood.

Presenter Matt Lucas said: “In a break from tradition, the showstopper won’t be cooked by the contestant. Instead, when the bell goes, they’ll have to create something that’s so easy to bake that even the most inept blithering idiot of a chef couldn’t bugger it up.

“It needs to secure borders, allow frictionless trade, and comply with the Good Friday agreement while looking irresistible no matter what your political beliefs. It’s gonna be tough.”

Contestant Mary Fisher said: “I thought I was prepared for anything, but making fishing quotas and state aid rules into an appetising treat for 66 million people is stretching it.

“I was hoping the final challenge would be something to do with filo pastry and an egg-wash glaze. I might just make that anyway.”

Pru Leith said: “The winning deal will be handed over to none other than prime minister Boris Johnson, who will take full credit for it. Then you’ll be asked to bake the COVID-19 vaccine into a choux bun.”

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Vaxxine or Rona? What to name your lockdown baby

SEVEN months ago you were bored and horny and there were no condoms in the house and the shops were all closed. So what are you planning to call your lockdown lovechild? 


Or Rona for short. It’s a lovely name, evocative of a time of abject terror, but let’s face it there will be hundreds of them. Make your baby stand out with imaginative misspellings – Karona for a girl, Kierona for a boy. It’s what the Kardashians would do.


Named after the social bubble that got you into this parenthood mess, children named Bubble are predicted to grow up to be extreme introverts who have a maximum of five friends, avoid crowds and enjoy disinfecting their houses three times a day.


Pay tribute to the scheme that allowed you to be at home making sweet daytime love while still earning 80 per cent of your salary. The kid will grow up lazy, entitled and self-righteous, just like every younger generation always has and always will.


Unlike Bubble, young Covie will grow up to be a real extrovert. Wherever there’s a big party, he’ll be there, mingling with all the guests, making sure he gets to know all of them. And even when he’s not invited, he’ll find a way to get in.


Honour the memory of the hero who freed us from abiding by lockdown regulations by naming your child after Dominic Cummings. It’ll be an appropriate name for a baby who’ll do what it wants when it wants, has no concept of rules or decent behaviour, is full of shit and throws a tantrum when it doesn’t get its way.


Little Vaxxine, or Vax for short, will be the most popular girl in the school. Everyone will want to be friends with her, except those who think she’s part of a secret government plot to control their lives.