P*ssed-Off Britain Says F*ck You Brown

BRITAIN  is in an absolutely foul mood and is taking it out on the Prime Minister, according to new research.

A report by the Iain Rowntree Foundation found the vast majority of Britons are pissed off most of the time, with 87% deciding to blame Gordon Brown.

A foundation spokesman said: "Britain is now a country filled with things that are pissing us right off. Interestingly, Gordon Brown is not directly responsible for many of those things, but he just has one of those faces, doesn't he?"

He added: "Bastarding airport queues."

Wayne Hayes, director of the think-tank ThoughtBoxUK, said: "John Major experienced the same thing in the mid-90s. What's surprising is that Brown has become so throughly johnmajored, so early on."

He added: "Horrible, rude, noisy children. Everywhere."

But Cabinet minister John Hutton defended the Prime Minister saying: "Don't get me wrong, when you have to sit across from that portrait in misery week after week it is tempting to project all your negative feelings on to him, especially when he starts to drone on and on about values and decency and hard working families and you just think to yourself, 'shut it you dreary, insufferable Scottish bastard'."

He added: "There's never anything on the telly."

Meanwhile the Daily Mash has produced a special logo to celebrate Pissed Off Britain. A spokesman said: "Our 'Britain: Shitting It' logo raised the bar for terror news logo designers around the world.

"We knew that 'Britain: Pissed Off' would be a huge technical challenge, costing dozens of lives, billions of pounds and countless endangered species. Reckless? Possibly. Splendid? Definitely."

He added: "I've already pressed the hash key, you toffee-nosed sow."

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Springbok Plot To Steal Wilkinson's Feet

POLICE have thwarted an attempt by the South African rugby association to steal Johnny Wilkinson's feet before Saturday's world cup final.

Officers raided addresses in London early this morning and are believed to have found detailed blueprints of the England fly-half, a mallet, a set of electronic hedgecutters and a coolbox.

Four men with unusual Dutch sounding names have been arrested and are expected to be charged later today under the Foot Removal Prohibition Act (2003).

A police spokesman said: "The coolbox suggests they may have been intending to return the feet after the game, but it's still not very nice."

A spokesman for the RFU said: "Removal of a body part is a traumatic experience for any rugby player.

"Johnny has spent the last 10 years trying to cope with the removal of his scrotum. Do you think he stands that way because he wants to?"

Sports minister Gerry Sutcliffe issued a statement condemning the South African attempt on Wilkinson's feet.

He said: "Some will no doubt pretend that the Springboks are a post-apartheid celebration of multi-culturalism, representing 21st century South Africa, blah, blah, fucking blah.

"But we all know they're actually a bunch of dirty, big Afrikaaner baastards who, if they were born 20 years earlier, would have been queuing up to join the police."