Thursday, 15th April 2021

Register dissent by writing a letter in your head: Priti Patel's guide to reasonable protesting

HI, Priti here. Don’t reply, that would be far too noisy and you’ll be detained. Protest will be allowed under the Police, Crime, Sentencing and Courts bill, in these forms: 

Wait until the pandemic is over, plus five years

Protest is the cornerstone of democracy, however there’s a time and a place for democracy. Pandemics are unsafe for protestors as are the months and years following. If there’s one person with sniffles anywhere in the UK, your protest’s cancelled. Public health comes first.

Keep it to less than one person

Angry mobs of one person are incredibly dangerous and disruptive. If you’re thinking of attending a protest, and there’s a chance that your presence could raise numbers to as many as one person, call it off. We cannot have our police feeling threatened.

Shut up

The human ear is very delicate, so no shouting, talking or whispering should take place. Some fonts are also be very loud, and pictures can say a thousand words, so let your lack of any objections or demands do the talking. Call off your protest silently.

Think nicer thoughts

Protesting is a horribly negative way to live. It leads to anger, and anger leads to hate, and hate leads to suffering. Not my words – the words of Jedi master and peacebringer Darth Vader. Call off the protest within your own mind or we’ll crush it by force.

Stay inside and don’t move

Try sitting in an empty room and being grateful that I haven’t put you in prison. If you have the perverse wish to protest, write it in a letter, inside your own head, and never send it. Then call it off. Then turn yourself in to the police.