Salmond advised against micro-kilt

ALEX Salmond’s advisors are split on how much thigh he should reveal for Tuesday’s televised debate.

The jowly demagogue hoped to woo voters with a micro-kilt, but the plan has been thrown into doubt after focus groups reacted with horror to close-ups of his spider veins.

‘Yes’ campaigner Carolyn Ryan said: “Alex is proud of his tiny kilt, and even prouder of his toned and tanned buttocks.

“But we want the public to focus on our core message of freedom and prosperity, not Alex’s beefy quads.”

The Better Together campaign has been spooked by Salmond’s plans to use his sexuality, and will send Alistair Darling onstage wearing a pair of Union Jack budgie-smugglers.

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Glaswegians warned to stop partying now

THE Commonwealth Games closing celebrations are still going, with DJs playing increasingly hard techno.

After performances by Kylie and Lulu, the music at Hampden Park quickly became more banging with unofficial performances by happy hardcore DJs and a widespread rumour that drugs were temporarily legal.

Onlooker Stephen Malley said: “Scotland has a rich heritage of getting nutted at massive all nighters so it’s only fitting that a load of ravers should storm the decks.

“It’s mental in there. I’ve done 14 Es and am not interested in going home. Apparently Lenny Dee’s playing in a bit.”

A government spokesman said: “Please can everyone please go home now or we will send in the army.

“We’ve no idea who ‘Force and Styles’ are but they are definitely not doing a live PA at midday.”