Scotland too much of a paradise to ever leave, confirm millionaires

SCOTLAND to tax its millionaires because they could never find anywhere nicer to live.

The country, which has lured oligarchs from across the globe with its mix of urban realness and refreshing weather conditions, will hugely increase the top rate of tax knowing they are too enraptured with Scotland to consider moving elsewhere.

Oil magnate Roy Hobbs said: “Scotland is both an Eden and a trap.

“Barbados is worthless after an afternoon on the beach at Broughty Ferry and once you’ve seen Glasgow, how could New York ever satisfy?

“This is why no Scottish person with money, from Sean Connery to Billy Connolly, could ever bear to move away to America, for example.

“We are captives here, birds in gilded cages.”

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Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
Don’t ask for a doggy bag at an all-you-can-eat buffet, as it might come across as slightly greedy.

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
The man that hath no music in himself, nor is moved with concord of sweet sounds, is fit for treasons, stratagems and spoils. And that, I think you’ll find, is proof that deaf people are evil.

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
To mark Nigel Farage’s candidacy in next year’s election you’re releasing a rap album called Fear Of A Black Thanet.

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
Your plan to sell the stuff nan left you at auction backfires when Christie’s says they don’t deal in Class A drugs.

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
As a restaurant reviewer you struggle to get your tax returns done as there’s no accounting for taste.

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No news from your bank manager on your loan application for a German breakfast bakery called Gluten Morgen.

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
You never really got into Assassin’s Creed but having heard their music, you reckon you’d like Creed’s assassin.

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
Why not pretend your Facebook account has been hacked and call loads of people at work ‘cock-nosed arsebags’?

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I think one of the reasons you’re not getting job interviews is the fact you list ‘wanking’ as a hobby.

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