Current state of UKIP is testament to my genius, says Farage

NIGEL Farage has resigned from UKIP while demanding recognition for creating a party of incompetent racists.

Farage insisted a knighthood would be a fitting reward for fooling the nation into believing he spearheaded a powerful political force when it was just him all along.

He added: “One guy – one guy and you thought I was an army millions strong. Look at what happened when I left. They didn’t have a single person who could even pretend not to be a nutter.

“Theresa May and Jeremy Corbyn have got actual political parties and look how they’re fucking it up. I had nothing. Me and a load of freaks, and I won Brexit.

“Was Hitler bad? Yes. Was he a military genius who conquered the whole of Europe and could have held it if he hadn’t overreached?

“Also yes. I just want the respect I’m owed.”

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Man who ridicules girlfriend's massive handbag still wants to put things in it

A MAN who moans that his girlfriend’s handbag is ridiculously large still asks her if he can put several items in it every time they go out.

Nathan Muir describes girlfriend Mary Fisher’s bag as a ‘fucking massive monstrosity, filled with crap’, yet always puts his phone, wallet and keys in it the moment they step out of the house together.

Muir said: “Who needs to carry around a bag that big? What has she got in there? Sometimes I wonder if she’s secretly a spy and has to be constantly prepared for all eventualities.

“She says it’s ‘handy’ for things like popping to the corner shop for a pint of milk, but it’s so big that she has to spend ten minutes rooting around in it for her purse, which defeats the point.

“Still, I will admit it’s useful when I need somewhere to put my stuff. Could I carry my own bag? Absolutely not. Bags are for girls.”

When asked if he could not just put his own things in his pockets, Muir replied: “No I can’t do that either because I don’t want my thighs to look big.”