Tax scandal would have destroyed Cable's credibility

VINCE Cable’s failure to pay income tax on time would have destroyed any credibility he still had, it has been confirmed.

In the wake of the revelations there have been no calls for his resignation because he has let absolutely no-one down.

Former Lib Dem voter, Helen Archer, said: “If only he had not turned out to be so utterly full of shit this would have been bitterly disappointing.”

In the City of London financial executives thought about whether this would undermine the business secretary’s authority and then laughed and laughed and laughed.

Sir Denys Finch-Hatton, chairman of Donnelly-McPartlin said: “I always thought he just a weird old hippy. It seems we finally have something in common.”

Even Cable’s spokesman confirming that HMRC let the minister’s off with half the usual fine does not seem to have dented the public’s respect, because it does not exist.

Roy Hobbs, form Doncaster, added: “Normally I would say that a Cabinet minister being excused 50% of his fine would have had me frothing at the ears.

“But I keep expecting Vince Cable to bulldoze my house and then tell me it was my fault, so in relative terms some mild tax evasion is actually a huge leap forward.”


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Your problems solved, with Holly Harper

Dear Holly,
Dave from IT has given me Gonorrhoea.  Should I impale both his testicles with a high heel, or just one?

Dear Tara,
I’m not sure what Gonorrhoea is but you sound pretty ungrateful to me: Dave probably went to a lot of trouble to find you the perfect gift and all you can do is complain. My mummy says even if someone gets you a rubbish present you still have to smile and say thank you. We had to have a chat about this after I had a bit of a meltdown at Christmas over a Dora the Explorer pencil case which was blatantly for a baby, not a big girl like me. Anyway, now I’ve learned to control my rage and granny’s head wound has virtually disappeared, I am happy to receive any gift, even the matchbox of scabs which Oliver French so kindly gave me for my birthday. Who’d have thought a discarded piece of  congealed blood would make such a pretty trinket for Barbie’s hair?
Hope that helps!