The six immigration systems Brexiters want

BORIS Johnson has promised a points-based immigration after Brexit, but Australia’s got that and they’re still mad racist. Here are a few systems Brexiters would prefer: 

No immigration whatsoever

Comes with the slight downside of tanking the economy and returning us to a pre-modern society based on bartering root vegetables for charcoal. However that’s unlikely to trouble hardcore Brexiters and, if it means winning the next election, Boris Johnson.

The right sort of immigrants

Brexiters are happy to accept certain immigrants, for example hot Spanish personal trainers, gorgeous Californian bikini models, sexy Swedish au pairs and efficient German electrical engineers. They’re all white? What a coincidence.

Only accepting ‘the brightest and the best’

Accepting only highly qualified economic migrants is a great passive-aggressive way to keep ‘them’ out. All new UK residents will have to be educated to at least PhD level in both brain surgery and solid-state propulsion systems before accepting bum-wiping jobs in care homes.

Immigrants must become absurdly English

If you’re a Polish plasterer hoping to build up a nest-egg before returning to Krakow, you will have to wear tweeds at all times and only ever say, ‘What ho, old chap! Splendid to see you this morning! The thwack of leather on willow, eh? England expects!’

A reasonable number of immigrants

Many Brexiters are liberal about immigration as long as the numbers are limited and justified, say 150 max. More than enough, surely?

Fortress Britain

A lockdown situation in which all foreigners, even if born here, are put back on a plane at gunpoint, the Chunnel blockaded, all airports closed and coastal gun batteries built in Dover to sink cross-channel ferries. Fair enough, Brexit did win.

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Man consoling female friend after breakup runs out of things to say after 15 seconds

A MAN attempting to counsel a female friend after a breakup has run out of platitudes in record time, he has admitted. 

Wayne Hayes managed to squeeze out ‘Oh no’, ‘I’m so sorry’ and ‘You were too good for him’ while hugging pal Joanna Kramer before completely running out of things to say and repeating ‘Oh no’ again.

He said: “I would’ve thought I had at least five minutes in me but I’m done already. I’m just making noises now.

“The ground seems too unsure for ‘What a monster’, ‘Plenty more fish in the sea’ is a bit too cliched, and it only happened yesterday so it’s too soon for ‘Move on’.

“I almost filled the silence by asking if she thought Liverpool were set up for another Champions League – you know, take her mind off things – but wisely swerved at the last minute.

“Then I just stared blankly, attempting to convey empathy through my eyes, then gave up and said ‘Do you want to go and get drunk?’”

Kramer said: “There is only one appropriate thing to say in the event of a breakup and that is ‘Let’s get hammered.’ I don’t know what took Wayne so long.”