Sunday, 25th October 2020

The six immigration systems Brexiters want

BORIS Johnson has promised a points-based immigration after Brexit, but Australia’s got that and they’re still mad racist. Here are a few systems Brexiters would prefer: 

No immigration whatsoever

Comes with the slight downside of tanking the economy and returning us to a pre-modern society based on bartering root vegetables for charcoal. However that’s unlikely to trouble hardcore Brexiters and, if it means winning the next election, Boris Johnson.

The right sort of immigrants

Brexiters are happy to accept certain immigrants, for example hot Spanish personal trainers, gorgeous Californian bikini models, sexy Swedish au pairs and efficient German electrical engineers. They’re all white? What a coincidence.

Only accepting ‘the brightest and the best’

Accepting only highly qualified economic migrants is a great passive-aggressive way to keep ‘them’ out. All new UK residents will have to be educated to at least PhD level in both brain surgery and solid-state propulsion systems before accepting bum-wiping jobs in care homes.

Immigrants must become absurdly English

If you’re a Polish plasterer hoping to build up a nest-egg before returning to Krakow, you will have to wear tweeds at all times and only ever say, ‘What ho, old chap! Splendid to see you this morning! The thwack of leather on willow, eh? England expects!’

A reasonable number of immigrants

Many Brexiters are liberal about immigration as long as the numbers are limited and justified, say 150 max. More than enough, surely?

Fortress Britain

A lockdown situation in which all foreigners, even if born here, are put back on a plane at gunpoint, the Chunnel blockaded, all airports closed and coastal gun batteries built in Dover to sink cross-channel ferries. Fair enough, Brexit did win.