May appoints Minister for Contradicting Brexit Ministers

THERESA May has created a Cabinet post specifically charged with denying all statements by the ministers in charge of Brexit. 

The prime minister created the position after finding herself continually dragged away from her own screw-ups to deal with the incompetence of Boris Johnson, Liam Fox or David Davis.

The new minister, Julian Cook, said: “When you’ve got three different Cabinet members separately working on Brexit, each of them without a hint of a clue, refuting their idiotic public statements is a full-time job.

“I have a staff of 22, plus interns, monitoring them 24 hours a day. It’s an incredibly heavy workload, but it’s vital – sorry, got to go. David Davis just said the UK will stay in the movement market but demands unrestricted freedom of singles.

“Seriously, we don’t get five minutes.”

Theresa May said: “With Julian in place, I have more time to refine my own Brexit plan, which I am currently keeping secret.

“Just to clarify, I definitely have a firm, intelligent plan which I am confident the British people will fully support. I don’t not have a plan. I’m just keeping it secret.”


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Apes wonder why they haven’t taken over world yet

PRIMATES are unsure why they have yet to take over the planet when humanity is clearly doing such a terrible job. 

Apes agreed that they expected their rise to global dominance, first forecast in 1968’s Planet of the Apes, would definitely have taken place by now.

Orangutan Norman Steele of Chester Zoo said: “I mean we’ve only got ourselves to blame.

“I really thought we’d be seeing the first gibbon colony on Mars by 2016, but instead we’re still swinging about in tyres eating fruit like we’ve got all the time in the world.

“Admittedly the whole nuclear holocaust thing not happening set us back at bit – we’d really been relying on that – but come on, it’s been 30-odd years since and we’ve done nothing.

“There’ve been plenty of opportunities to step in and take the reins, from global warming to Brexit, but we’re always too busy checking each other for ticks. We’ve really let ourselves down.”

Zookeeper Martin Bishop said: “They’re disappointed? How do they think we feel?”