May appoints Minister for Contradicting Brexit Ministers

THERESA May has created a Cabinet post specifically charged with denying all statements by the ministers in charge of Brexit. 

The prime minister created the position after finding herself continually dragged away from her own screw-ups to deal with the incompetence of Boris Johnson, Liam Fox or David Davis.

The new minister, Julian Cook, said: “When you’ve got three different Cabinet members separately working on Brexit, each of them without a hint of a clue, refuting their idiotic public statements is a full-time job.

“I have a staff of 22, plus interns, monitoring them 24 hours a day. It’s an incredibly heavy workload, but it’s vital – sorry, got to go. David Davis just said the UK will stay in the movement market but demands unrestricted freedom of singles.

“Seriously, we don’t get five minutes.”

Theresa May said: “With Julian in place, I have more time to refine my own Brexit plan, which I am currently keeping secret.

“Just to clarify, I definitely have a firm, intelligent plan which I am confident the British people will fully support. I don’t not have a plan. I’m just keeping it secret.”