This Is How The Nazis Started, Says Everyone

THE Nazis started out with just a couple of MPs and six percent of the vote you know, everyone said last night.

As the British National Party achieved its first success in a UK-wide election, amateur historians said they would be amazed if this time next year people like you were not in some sort of camp.

Julian Cook, from Hitchin, said: "Having seen The Great Escape, one can only hope that Nick Griffin will decide not to fight a war of total annihilation on two fronts at the same time."

Bill McKay, from Doncaster, added: "First they'll come for the people who watch Queer Eye for the Straight Guy, but I won't speak up because I watch Top Gear and play golf."

But experts insisted the BNP vote would disappear as soon as everyone could afford to go on holiday to Majorca again.

Professor Tom Logan, of Reading University, said: "Prolonged recessions do have a tendency to expose our inner racist fucknut, but it subsides once you get a new credit card."

As the European election results came in, some of Britain's most famous Jews took the 'precautionary step' of changing their Wikipedia entries.

David Baddiel, the writer and comedian, is now described as being of 'good Prussian stock' with a fondness for rowdy beer halls and a deep loathing of Woody Allen films.

Actress Maureen Lipman has changed her name to 'Lipizzanner' and insists her favourite 'ology' is Aryan racial ideology, while Lionel Blue, the gay rabbi, was last night heading for Southampton wearing a blond wig and carrying a large smoked sausage.

Meanwhile Gordon Brown, the new deputy prime minister, said it was always his plan to reduce the Labour vote to 15% and leave Britain with £1.4 trillion worth of debt and a couple of fascists in the European Parliament.

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Your Problems Solved, With Holly Harper

Dear Holly,
I have never been particularly thin, but recently I was told by my doctor that I'm clinically obese and I am beginning to think I should try to lose some weight. The problem is I'd much rather sit in an armchair and scoff enough Domino's pizza to feed a family of five than subject myself to the humiliation and trauma of exercise. I can't afford to have a gastric band, so my only option is to diet. I've tried a number of different diets so far, with varying degrees of success. I did manage to 'drop a dress size' through eating nothing but Kellogg’s Special K for a month, but I ended up shitting blood and the whites of my eyes went orange, so eventually I had to stop and the weight quickly piled back on. Do you have any suggestions?
Harriet
Plymouth

Dear Harriet,
There's a girl in my class called Frances Hall, who everyone refers to as 'Frank the Tank' because she's so big and fat. There's a rumour going round the school that she has to eat a Mars Bar every 15 minutes or she'll die. Once, when we were in PE, Frances tried to climb really high on the apparatus while the teacher wasn't looking, but because she's got such fat sweaty hands she slipped and fell on Emma Patterson and couldn't get up again. It took the teacher and a bigger boy from the top class to roll Frances off, and Emma ended up in a wheelchair for nearly a year. Also, Frances has to have a big wooden chair like the teacher because she once sat on one of the children's plastic chairs and it shattered into a thousand pieces.

I asked my mummy why Frances is so fat and she told me it had something to do with her jeans. I don't really know how this can be, because I can't imagine she would ever be able to find a pair of jeans big enough to fit her enormous tree-trunk legs, but maybe this is the key to your own battle against obesity.

Hope that helps!
Holly