Tories get 100% of funding from people who don't like socialism

THE Tories get all of their money from people who are not hellish keen on left-wing politics, it emerged today.

Research by the sinister sounding Bureau for Investigative Journalism revealed that in 2010 some people who suspected Gordon Brown was going to tax the shit out of them gave money to his opponent instead.

The figures have led to furious accusations that the Tory Party is now in thrall to people who believe in capitalism and free markets.

Shadow chancellor Ed Balls said: “This is a clear attempt by people who do not like socialism to try and stop it from happening.

“This is precisely why we need legislation to end the undue influence on our political system of people who do not want to pay huge amounts of tax and have their businesses run by the likes of me.”

But the row has also led to renewed claims that Labour is being 100% funded by people who believe the government should own everything and that everyone should be exactly the same.

Mr Balls added: “But left wing people are nicer than right wing people. Even a child understands that.”

Helen Archer, from North London, said: “Fat cats, same old Tories, scratching each others backs, social justice, won’t extend my overdraft or let me remortgage so I can buy a new Golf.”

But Tom Logan, professor of politics at Reading University, said: “The thing about the Tory donors is that they think socialism is shit. And it is. Have you tried being Cuban? It’s just awful.

“And anyway, I’m pretty sure Britain was asked to choose between bankers and trade unions last May and it chose bankers. At least those bastards know how to make money.”




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Vigilante nan declares war on street crime and black people

CRIME-FIGHTING grandmother Margaret Gerving has declared war on wrongdoers, especially black people and Germans.

Mrs Gerving, a retired head teacher from Guildford, has been hailed as a hero since beating a group of masked robbers to the floor with her handbag in a brutal street battle because she thought they were afro-Caribbean.

In an interview with Racist Nan magazine, she said: “I saw a group of men with their faces covered, robbing a shop. My first thought was, ‘darkies up to no good as usual – I must launch myself at them’.

“The police said after they caught them and took the masks off they discovered they weren’t coloured, but I don’t believe them.

“They can make themselves look white. It’s all done with computers.”

She added: “It’s about time we stood up to these foreigners. They’re as bad as people who serve tea in polystyrene cups.”

Plumber Tom Logan, from Swindon, said: “I am fed up with crime and as a Top Gear viewer I’m very comfortable with semi-ironic racism, which must mean that I think Mrs Gerving is a national treasure.

“She actually reminds me of The Punisher but with varifocals and a colostomy bag.”

Pc Stephen Malley said: “As a policeman I am naturally torn. On the one hand I don’t think members of the public should be apprehending  criminals, but on the other I am really quite racist.

“I’ll probably need to go on a course.”