South Sudan beats Scotland 4-1

THE world’s newest nation celebrated its birth last night with a 4-1 victory over Scotland.

The match was staged just hours after referendum results confirmed South Sudan’s status as the latest country to be able take apart the Scottish back four with a series of textbook passing moves.

The new nation’s provisional government staged the event insisting a football match against Scotland would give the fledgling state a vital confidence boost.

The hastily formed South Sudanese Football Association then spent more than an hour finding out what football was before assembling a squad of seven players, five of whom had a full set of feet.

An SSFA spokesman said: “We were slightly disappointed in the scoreline and we need to do more to convert our chances. A 4-1 victory over Scotland should not give our next opponents a false sense of security.”

Scotland coach Craig Levein said: “There are no minnows in world football anymore, particularly the ones that are only 15 minutes old and think a football may be some sort of landmine.”

He added: “That said, there were some solid performances out there tonight and we did score a very good goal.”

Football historians say the result will stand alongside some of the greatest Scottish defeats including those to countries that don’t even exist such as Ruritania, Lilliput and the People’s Republic of Marzipanistan.



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M25 'just ends up back where it started'

THE M25 is a huge waste of money that goes round in a loop to ends exactly where it started, according to a devastating new report.

MPs have discovered that the motorway does not even go anywhere and instead sends motorists in a pointless circle around London rather than going somewhere interesting or useful.

The report stated: “Improvement programmes presented a perfect opportunity to take the M25 to the seaside or up a big hill with a nice view, or perhaps even to Norwich.

“Instead they have simply made it easier for more cars to go nowhere at all when most Londoners do not even own cars. This was a cardinal error.” 

Roy Hobbs of the Royal Institute of Chartered Engineers, said: “This is the greatest engineering scandal since HS2 was cancelled because it was discovered it ended up in Manchester at best. 

“Any road should to go from one place to a different place. You can’t just draw a rough circle on a map and then say ‘build that’. The M1 goes to a huge variety of windy Northern hellholes, while the M4 could take you all the way to Wales if things ever got that bad.

“The M6 has two distinct ends miles apart and the M5 is absolutely brilliant at getting people from Clevedon to Tewkesbury.

“Now that’s a proper road.”