Tories to eradicate regional accents

THE Conservatives have promised to stamp out all confusing regional accents if elected for another term.

Soon to sound like Penelope Keith

Following Boris Johnson’s pronouncement that anyone speaking a foreign language is doing it out of nothing but spite, the Tories have vowed to bring England’s regional accents to a close within five years.

Home Secretary Theresa May said: “The excitable hooting and yapping of Ant and Dec might be popular now, but so once were Bill and Ben the Flower Pot Men.

“Britain in the 21st century simply cannot afford to support millions unable to recognise a simple bread roll without calling it a muffin, bap, barm, cob or stottie.

“London and the South-East, where everyone talks normally, are the most prosperous parts of the UK, precisely because they don’t have these ridiculous speech impediments.”

The rollout will begin in the Midlands next year, where analogue accents will be reset using electrical stimulation collars.

Bristol and the West Country will be switched over in to proper speech by 2017 and the Geordie accent will be turned off for good in 2020.