Sunday, 25th October 2020

UK has contingency plan ready if Boris makes a good decision

THE government has confirmed they have contingency plans in place in case Boris Johnson begins making good decisions.

Downing Street insiders have mapped out worst-case scenarios in case the prime minister break ranks and approves universal basic income, nationalises railways or admits any kind of fault.

An source said: “We have a duty to consider every eventuality. Even one-in-a-million cases like Boris getting it right.

“The country is so used to Johnson’s ineptitude that it would spark massive social unrest if he randomly started outlining practical, beneficial action. There would be riots within the hour.

“We’ve implanted a biochip that can override his motor functions and replace his speech with a random selection of ‘umm-err’, ‘Crikey!’ and ‘British get-up-and-go’, which should give us time to rush him away.

“We realised we had to be prepared when he started praising doctors and nurses for saving his life and employed a team psychologists and Tory-voting bigots on 24-hour standby, watching for any sign of good judgment. 

“We can have him tranquilised and removed to an MI5 black site within an hour if he even hints at delaying Brexit. Pray God we don’t have to.”