We were actually far more liberal than he is, says Victorian ghost child about Jacob Rees-Mogg

THE ghost of a Victorian child has distanced herself and her era from the cruel policies of Jacob Rees-Mogg. 

Harriet Trembath, who died of neglect in a rat-infested alleyway, says even aristocrats of her day were far kinder than the MP for North East Somerset.

She added: “My end might have been terrible, but at least ladies in crinoline dresses wept about it when it was turned into a series of hand-tinted postcards. Rees-Mogg would have said it was all my own fault.

“We may share our anachronistic dress and unearthly, translucent appearance, but our views on women’s rights, the church and workers’ unions couldn’t be more different.

“In my day, men in top hats and canes investigated our sad plight, founded charities and worked hard on medicines to cure us. Even the worst factories weren’t zero-hours.

“And you know what else? Nobody called their children ‘Sixtus’. He’s made that up.”

Rees-Mogg said: “Hmm, looks like we’ve found another volunteer for my spectral workhouse. Ha ha ha. HA HA HA!”

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10 great English proverbs that are obviously bollocks

All’s fair in love and war
Not if you come home to find your partner ensconced in a vigorous ’69’ with someone you regarded as a chum.

A watched kettle never boils
If the kettle is in full working condition, is plugged in, switched on, contains water and there are no problems with your electricity supply, it can’t not boil.

Don’t put all your eggs in one basket
You go to the supermarket to buy a dozen eggs, but you take one egg out of the box and put it in a separate basket and then take both baskets to the check-out. And then you put the single egg into an entirely separate bag. Remember to bring an empty egg box – or an old jam jar with some cotton wool in it – to protect the single egg until you get it home and place it safely in the mini-fridge where you keep your solitary eggs.

Good things come to those who wait
Scottish football supporters, Liberal Democrats and anyone who was, for some reason, looking forward to the film version of The Hobbit.

A cat has nine lives
Like every single thing that has ever lived – pterodactyls, haddock, whoever Jesus was based on – a cat has one life. Remember that time a cat died? It’s still dead.

Lightning never strikes twice in the same place
There is absolutely no reason why it can’t or won’t. But if you’re okay with one billion volts of electricity surging through your body then this proverb is moot.

Fools rush in where angels fear to tread
Angels do not exist. If you think they do, you are a fool. You and your money are soon parted. That proverb is not bollocks.

If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again
It depends whether you’re trying to find a cure for male pattern baldness or trying to retrieve your iPhone from a silverback gorilla. “I think I can distract it by juggling these peaches…”

A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush
If you’re clutching a live robin, why is that better than two robins sitting in a bush, minding their own business? The robin in your hand is almost certainly terrified and will eventually do a shit on you. Or perhaps you’re going to train the robin to fetch you individual Wotsits from a bowl? If so, then at least you have a plan. Good for you.

Ignorance is bliss