We'd still vote Brexit, say people who pay little or no attention to the news

LEAVE voters who read newspapers from the back forward and watch the news twice a year have confirmed they would still vote for Brexit. 

Journalists sent to depressed Northern towns and conservative rural villages are finding that their residents are not on Twitter, have never heard of a Guardian liveblog, switch channels when Newsnight is on and would not change their decision in the slightest.

Norman Steele of Craven Arms, Shropshire, said: “I’m not one for politics. That’s why I voted Brexit in the first place.

“Apparently she’s got a deal now, Trevor down the market told me, but it’s not a good enough deal so they’re going to send someone else back to get a different one. That happened to me with a washer-dryer at Dixons.

“Why would I vote any different? We’ve not even left Europe and people want us to go back in it? Doesn’t make any sense.

“I do get the newspaper, but mainly for the sport and the crossword. And it’s the Mail, so it’s not political one way or the other anyway.”

Londoner Nathan Muir said: “But I thought everyone had changed their minds now. It said on the podcasts.”

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Everyone on stag do wants to go to bed

EVERY single man on a stag night is claiming to be ready to keep partying into the early hours while secretly desperate to go to bed. 

The 12-man party, in Amsterdam to celebrate Wayne ‘The Legend’ Hayes’s upcoming nuptials, are all surreptitiously checking watches, drinking water and texting girlfriends while pretending they can keep going for hours yet.

Stephen Malley said: “What time do the bars close around here? Not that it matters, because we’ll make them stay open because we’re mental lads on tour.

“It’s just, you know, the time difference and the jet lag and all that. Another few pints and I’ll be roaring back.”

Hayes agreed: “We’re seeing the dawn in, mate. Tearing this town up. Strip club next. Though in fairness the strippers are probably pretty rough this time of night so maybe we go around 11am tomorrow, when they’re nice and perky.”

Best man Tom Logan said: “I think the weed’s making me sleepy. And the beer’s different. And we’ve been drinking since 10am and it’s half-one now and I was up all night last night with the baby.

“How about we carry this on in the hotel bar, eh lads? And then alone in our rooms? That’s real debauchery.”