Shock as Uxbridge and South Ruislip still trusted to vote

ALLOWING the constituency which backed Boris Johnson to continue to vote has caused nationwide alarm and disgust.

Letting the residents of Uxbridge and South Ruislip exercise their democratic rights is clearly an administrative oversight as they have already demonstrated they cannot be trusted to make rational decisions.

A Downing Street spokesperson said: “We’re just as worried as the public. Last time they happily backed a narcissistic nutjob with more kids than brain cells, so God knows what monster they’re planning to unleash on the country this time.

“They’re spoilt for choice when it comes to twats too. Laurence Fox is running on behalf of Reclaim, Piers Corbyn is standing for Let London Live, whatever that is. There’s even a UKIP candidate for retro wankers stuck in 2016.

“In an ideal world anyone who trots out the cliches ‘Boris was a character’ or ‘He got the vaccine rolled out early‘ would be shot on sight. It’s undemocratic but it would stop them voting. And breeding.

“The best-case scenario is that constituents vote for Count Binface. So what if he’s a parody? His promise to slash the price of croissants is a legitimately good policy, especially during the cost of living crisis. Let’s give him a go.”

Uxbridge and South Ruislip resident Nikki Hollis said: “I think I’ll scrawl ‘Boris’ on the ballot paper with my excrement. Always seems to work.”

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Women's World Cup scheduled like Frasier repeats

THE Women’s World Cup that is set to bring women’s football a new wave of popularity is on at 8.30am on a Thursday, it has emerged.

The tournament, which hopes to capitalise on the surging popularity of women’s football and deliver millions of new fans, is being held on the other side of the world and broadcast on weekday mornings in something of a massive f**k-up.

Hannah Tomlinson of Croydon said: “I can’t wait to watch this World Cup. I’m all about the Lionesses. What do you mean, it’s started?

“This morning? Before actual This Morning? Hidden away in the schedules like repeats of Frasier from 2002 which, although quite good, are there to avoid broadcasting a blank screen? Who scheduled that and can I call it out for being sexist?

“When are England on? Half-ten Saturday? Well it’s better than Nigeria vs Canada at 3.30am, but I’m hardly going to be fired up for it. And apparently my girl Lucy Bronze isn’t even there? Are they trying to piss us off?

“Seems to me it’s a misogynist plot to drag women’s football down, but my boyfriend says it’s the time difference and the men’s one was in a desert in winter, which does sound vaguely familiar.

“Nonetheless, it’s disrespectful to women’s football to treat it the same as Frasier and Niles’ latest act of pretension. I’ll be boycotting any match shown before 8am. 10am on weekends.”