Shock new poll showing millions of dickheads still voting Tory

A NEW YouGov poll shows that not only will millions of idiots continue to vote Conservative at the next election, the party could win up to 169 seats. 

The poll surveyed 14,000 people and broke results down by constituency to discover that, scarcely believable though it seems, Jacob Rees-Mogg will remain an MP.

Polling expert Denys Finch Hatton said: “This is a wake-up call for Britain. The last 14 years and there are still muppets out there voting f**king Tory?

“Yes, they’ll lose 196 seats including all their Red Wall ones and loads they’ve held for decades in the south, but look at the map. There’s still plenty of blue out there, encircling our cities, ready to strike.

“If you’re still voting Conservative after the Johnson-Truss-Sunak combination then there’s something f**king wrong with you. There’s even Reform UK in there to siphon off the proper headbangers and twats are still doing it.

“This poll isn’t something to be celebrated. It confirms that we may turn the tide for a little while – perhaps 10 or 15 years, enough time to repair some of the damage – but the Tories will ruin this country in the end.”

Senior Conservative Lord Frost said: “This poll shows that voters are increasingly turning to left-wing policies. So to win we have to go all the way hard right.”

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Mum furious you didn't tell her David Bowie was dead

A MOTHER is outraged that her son – her own flesh and blood – did nothing to inform her about the 2016 death of David Bowie despite his being fully aware. 

Carolyn Ryan, aged 67, expects son Joseph to keep her up to date with this kind of thing but apparently he has had better things to talk about for the last eight years.

She said: “What’s this in the paper? David Bowie? Dead? And this is how I’m finding out?

“You used to have his records. When were you thinking of getting round to telling me about this? I get an hour of your trellis coming down in the wind but not a word about the chameleon of rock, it said he was, having passed on?

“Who knows how I could have embarrassed myself? Especially as you know I mix him up with Alvin Stardust. What if I’d said something when I was at the hairdressers? 36 hours in labour and this is the thanks I get.”

Joseph Ryan, aged 42, said: “This is part of my role description as son now? Since f**king when?”

“And it’s not like I was a massive fan. I mean I bought Blackstar on vinyl like everyone else but I can’t say I ever listen to it.”