Shocked UK had no idea Matt Hancock was totally f**king hopeless

BRITAIN is struggling to come to terms with claims that the health secretary who has led us through this pandemic is totally f**king hopeless.

Private WhatsApp messages between the prime minister and his own personal Judas Dominic Cummings were released yesterday, and revealed that Johnson called Hancock ‘totally f**king hopeless’ which surely cannot be true.

Norman Steele of East Grinstead said: “Can’t be. Are there two Matt Hancocks? It’s a common name.

“His steady hand on the tiller has guided us through this storm with only three lockdowns and 128,000 dead, and I’m expected to believe he’s in some way incompetent?

“Does the nervous, sweating man I see on GMTV not answering questions with half-formed panic in his eyes look out of his depth? Actually, maybe.

“But if he’s totally f**king hopeless and Dom’s a duplicitous vengeful shitbag then surely the guy who appointed them’s bollocks? No. No, can’t be.”

Hancock said: “Oh God, am I totally f**king hopeless? I had no idea.”

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

The seven mums you meet on parenting Facebook

GOT children? Desperate to not be suffering alone? Then you’ve visited a parenting group on Facebook and met these people: 

Uses Facebook as a Doctor Mum

Posts close-up photos of every disgusting rash, vile cyst or broken toenail their child gets, to ask for advice.  You’ll dread captions like ‘Maybe TMI but do these weeping warts look normal to you?’ and ‘Can anyone tell me if these are piles?’

Certified Seller Mum

Where better to promote your Aloe Vera pyramid scheme than on a forum full of tired, broke parents trapped in the house? These arseholes peddle anything from diet shakes to skincare products to herbal remedies, though what they’re really selling are ‘brilliant business opportunities’.

Spoiling For A Fight Mum

Loves a row so often starts posts with ‘no offence but’ to cause as much offence as possible. Trolls breast feeders about formula and formula feeders about breastfeeding. A massive dickhead who clearly has mummy issues.

The Other Half Hating Mum

According to this mum her husband is a bastard. He never does the washing up, he moans about being tired and once spent three hours on the toilet ‘like he was f**king royalty or something’. She uses ‘cockwomble’ a lot and often jokes about murdering him.

Crazeee Mumee

‘Sorry to go OT!’ she posts, after a photo of a pissing alpaca in a thread about nits. Best known for hilarious baby memes and ‘describe your left bum cheek using only a gif’ posts.Uses chiefly emojis and photos of Tom Hardy topless captioned ‘you’re welcome, ladies’.

Mother Earth

Means well but her evangelical endorsement of cloth nappies, reusable baby wipes and organic homemade outfits makes everyone else feel a bit guilty. Posts photos of her kids playing with wooden toys and nature and coconut oil is her answer to everything.

The Dramamama

If not threatening to leave, she’s definitely messaging admin framing any minor disagreement as ‘toxic conflict’. Screenshots every post by anyone arguing with her as ‘evidence’. When she finally leaves it will be with a 1,000 word parting shot nobody reads.