WHY parachute a man from Manchester into Westminster when Angela Rayner is right there and ready to serve? For these perfectly understandable reasons:
Female leaders are very Tory
Voters, like ladies, are delicate. They might mix up our bird with previous woman prime ministers, all Conservative, and accidentally vote the wrong way. The Tories can choose a woman because they believe anyone, regardless of gender, should have the right to slash public services. Whereas a Labour woman giving out benefits seems a soft touch.
Leading Labour is very physical
People think it’s all speeches, but have they ever tried carrying a fully-costed manifesto up three flights of stairs? The leader is expected to shake hundreds of hands, walk confidently around factories while wearing a hard hat and nod thoughtfully. These are specialised skills passed down from father to son, like stonemasonry. Women would be lost.
Our voters are already progressive
The Conservatives need women to cover up their sexist policies. As we already know what’s good for chicks, it’s fine for us to govern in their name. The party has a proud history of championing women. We’ve made speeches about them, written reports about them, established working groups about them and, on occasion, even listened to them.
She wouldn’t enjoy it
The first female Labour leader in over a century of party history would attract enormous attention. Every decision scrutinised. Every speech analysed. Every outfit discussed. It would be exhausting, for her and us. Far kinder to spare a woman that ordeal and let a middle-aged white man pass all but unnoticed through Downing Street.
They don’t want the job
We checked thoroughly by asking three women MPs whether they fancy becoming leader while Andy Burnham stood there scowling. Unsurprisingly, they said they were focused on constituents. That’s ladies for you – selfless. Also they don’t have the same taste for betraying close friends, with the exception of Lady Macbeth.
We’re waiting for the right one
We’d love a female leader. But she must simultaneously unite every wing of the party, appeal to voters in every constituency, never make a mistake, have ministerial experience, outsider appeal, insider knowledge and avoid being described as either too ambitious or not ambitious enough. The search continues.
