The armed forces recruitment crisis: we haven't checked, but are they being paid f**k all?

BRITAIN’S armed forces are struggling to recruit which is probably because, though we freely admit we have not checked, the government is underpaying them? 

Because, as much as wokeness is being blamed for a generation raised on Call of Duty: Modern Warfare being fundamentally against conflict, you have to admit it seems likely.

Consider the facts. They’re state employees under 14 years of Tory goverment which has cut every service provided by the state, and the salaries of everyone working for the state, to the bone.

If education, the NHS, the courts and the police are all as understaffed and underpaid as a big Tesco, why would the armed forces be any different? Especially as they’re not allowed to strike.

There’s not enough money to run aircraft carriers. Army-owned land is being sold off or used to house asylum seekers. Frankly if every soldier, sailor and airman was getting regular inflation-linked pay rises it would be a f**king shock.

And while there’s a recruitment crisis everywhere – try getting served a meal in a country pub – the Army’s the one area that’s not been hit by all the Poles going home. So it must be something else and with this government it’s usually money. Bet you.

Let’s have a quick look… and yep, two-third dissasatisfied with basic pay rates, more than half think pay’s unfair, more trained personnel leaving than ever. What a f**king surprise. Big well done to the Tories.

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Cult leader issues new decree to followers

THE leader of a rabid, fanatical cult last night issued a new decree to her international army of acolytes.

Level 12 High Priestess Taylor Swift, She Who Is Without Flaw, told her followers at last night’s Grammys that a new message from on high is coming and will be issued in a multiplicity of formats.

She said: “And lo, it is called The Tortured Poets Department. It will contain 16 tracks and a secret bonus song for my most devout disciples, as was foretold in the sacred runes.

“Expect lyrical odes that speak to your womanhood in a way that has been done for millennia, yet is revolutionary when performed by my holy self. Plus an abundance of riffs that long-suffering boyfriends will begrudgingly forced to admit do indeed ‘slap’.

“The album relief is posted on thine Instagram now. Go forth and like and share to secure your promotion to Level 5 enlightenment, my chosen ones, and neglect not to leave comments because the algorithm likes that.

“April 19. Pre-order and place the date in your diary. Think and speak of nothing else until that date, unless you are fortunate enough to attend my tour. If so, you may scream.”

Swiftie Eleanor Shaw said: “Would she like us to drink a draught of poisoned Kool-Aid? I would do so in a heartbeat. It’s easier than buying four limited-edition coloured vinyls.”