Tuesday, 11th May 2021

This is the best country in the world if dickheads like me can be a minister

By education secretary Gavin Williamson

IT wasn’t a slip of the tongue. You can take America, France and Germany and stick them up your arse. Britain is the best country in the world and my career is living proof of it.

‘Williamson’s nothing special,’ they said. ‘He’s a nobody, a dangerously useless waste of an off-the-peg suit, a weapons-grade wanker.’ But where else could someone like me rise to the top of the tree?

In somewhere like Belgium I’d never have made it above the level of junior town hall administrator. Or possibly janitor. That’s because their cumbersome and bureaucratic system of red tape makes sure only competent people get the top jobs.

Not so in Britain. All you need to succeed here is a misguided belief in your own abilities and being a Brexit yes-man. These are the values I stand for.

But let’s take a moment to look at why all other countries are shit. America – too big. Spain – too hot. Belgium, where they’re making the vaccine – those continental freaks have mayonnaise on their chips. 

Yes, I have cocked up numerous times in the past, including leaks and moronic comments. But we learn from our mistakes and only in Britain, the world’s top country, would I be allowed to continue on this learning curve.

Inspired by my story? Join me in this land of political opportunity. All you need is massive overconfidence and the ability to talk shite, and you too can be living the British dream.