This is the best country in the world if dickheads like me can be a minister

By education secretary Gavin Williamson

IT wasn’t a slip of the tongue. You can take America, France and Germany and stick them up your arse. Britain is the best country in the world and my career is living proof of it.

‘Williamson’s nothing special,’ they said. ‘He’s a nobody, a dangerously useless waste of an off-the-peg suit, a weapons-grade wanker.’ But where else could someone like me rise to the top of the tree?

In somewhere like Belgium I’d never have made it above the level of junior town hall administrator. Or possibly janitor. That’s because their cumbersome and bureaucratic system of red tape makes sure only competent people get the top jobs.

Not so in Britain. All you need to succeed here is a misguided belief in your own abilities and being a Brexit yes-man. These are the values I stand for.

But let’s take a moment to look at why all other countries are shit. America – too big. Spain – too hot. Belgium, where they’re making the vaccine – those continental freaks have mayonnaise on their chips. 

Yes, I have cocked up numerous times in the past, including leaks and moronic comments. But we learn from our mistakes and only in Britain, the world’s top country, would I be allowed to continue on this learning curve.

Inspired by my story? Join me in this land of political opportunity. All you need is massive overconfidence and the ability to talk shite, and you too can be living the British dream.

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Short shag and curtain bang: hair styles or sex positions?

ARE you confused by people talking about things that could either be a haircut that would never suit you or a sex position you would never be able to make work? Here is a guide.

Short shag

Although this sounds like the easiest of all sexual encounters, and something many blokes could achieve with a 100 per cent success rate, sadly the ‘short shag’ is simply a haircut beloved of people who never moved on from the 90s.

Man bun

Hipsters and footballers have been hoodwinked by hairdressers into thinking this is a trendy hairstyle that gets their mane out of their eyes, but it is in fact the term for the male buttocks during coitus.

Layered shag

Originally coined by the orgy community as a term for floor-based group sex, ‘layered shag’ has now been appropriated by hairdressers to describe a haircut with multiple layers and texture. We’d always suspected hairdressers were perverts.

French crop

Conjuring up images of Parisian paramours and mild bondage, the French crop is actually a haircut that makes people look like they have tried far too hard.

Curtain bang

There is nothing sexier than high quality upholstery, and a well-chosen pelmet and tieback only adds to the allure of having sex next to some plush curtains. Unfortunately this term refers to a type of fringe that is, if anything, likely to put off any potential sexual partners.

Comb over

Associated in mainstream culture with crusty Maths teachers, the comb over is in fact an ancient sex position from the Kama Sutra involving two lovers pleasuring one another at a 90-degree angle, with foreplay involving combs. It is possible the crusty Maths teachers know this.