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Tory heartlands now a load of Northern shitholes

THE natural voter base of the Conservative party is now Northern shitholes where they would not deign to set foot.

Wealthy, desirable areas like Westminster and Wandsworth no longer want anything to do with the Tories, but they continue be popular with low-life scum Tories despise in pits of depravation like Amber Valley, Lincolnshire and Bolton.

Conservative party chairman Oliver Dowden said: “We are now the party of desolate former industrial towns where troglodytes scrape by on three part-time minimum-wage jobs.

“We went to the best schools. We held six-figure City jobs straight from Oxford. And now the only constituency we appeal to is the voter filling his basket with Asda Smart Price goods, while Labour has all the nice seats with a big Waitrose.

“I went through Bolton on the train up to the Highlands last year and I lowered the blinds in first class to avoid having to see it. But these are now my people. They are the only ones who believe in me and my kind. Dear Lord, what have we become?

“We were hoping to win Sunderland. Imagine sinking that low. Imagine wanting to appeal to vermin like that. And they rejected us while Labour wins Mayfair. I have died and awoken in hell.”

Steve Malley of Hartlepool said: “Aye, I look at the Tories and see the dregs of society who lie to everyone and watch porn at work. I vote for them because they’re just like me.”

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Six things you didn't give a toss about until you became middle-aged

LIFE was carefree when you were young, but now you’ve drifted into the abyss of middle age all sorts of things leave you weirdly angry. Like these…

Interest rates

They’ve gone up before, it’s just you were too young to need to give a shit. Now you’ve got a mortgage and all manner of things you’re paying interest on. You may become quite irrational about anyone without your financial commitments, eg. ‘That homeless guy hasn’t got a loan on a Hyundai to pay off, the jammy bastard.’

Gangs of youths smoking weed

In the dim and distant past this was you, but you’ve forgotten how harmless you all were. Now you think they might mug you, and cross the road or take a big, cowardly detour. In reality, there are precisely no recorded cases of a middle-aged man being shanked by a sixth-former applying to do music at Durham University.

People drinking on public transport

There’s a 20-something on the train unashamedly downing a can of cheap lager, and strangely you now feel annoyed about people flaunting The Rules. In truth your middle-aged resentment is down to the fact you haven’t got the balls to flout a fairly pointless law yourself any more.

Queuing

Having to wait to be served in the supermarket didn’t bother youthful you. Now you shuffle angrily from one foot to the other if some frankly evil scumbag insists on paying in two separate transactions. God help the person with a reasonable excuse for jumping the queue. You’d have them boiled in oil, only that’s too humane.

Politicians

Back in the day you had the Iraq war to be angry about, but it didn’t stop you thinking about more important things like getting laid. Now you find yourself ranting about how these charlatans ended up in charge, but can’t distract yourself by trying to shag Lucy Shaw, because the odds are slightly against you hooking up with someone you’ve not seen for 28 years who didn’t fancy you anyway.

People leaving every f**king light in the f**king house on

You didn’t see the point in turning the light off when you left a room in your youth. Now your bastard kids are hell-bent on turning the place into Blackpool illuminations. Frantically dash from room to room angrily flicking switches off and muttering about how they aren’t the ones paying the f**king bill. It’s basically karma for driving your own parents up the wall.

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