Vince Cable on zero-hours contract

THE government has admitted that business secretary Vince Cable is on a contract which doesn’t guarantee him paid work. 

Cable said: “I never know if I’m required to go on Newsnight defending mobile phones companies not paying any tax until Sunday evening.

“I spend most of my time sitting on a stool by the phone, doing little doodles in a notepad.

“David says I’ll be considered for a permanent role when I earn my fifth star for my badge, but I never quite seem to get there.”

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Watch the meteor shower tonight, say triffids

TONIGHT’S meteor shower is essential viewing, according to a new species of alien carnivorous plant.

Triffid Julian Cook mysteriously arrived on Earth six months ago as part of a cluster of strange space-seeds.

He said: “To get the best view, use a pair of binoculars. That should magnify the beautiful, blinding light.

“Of course any resulting sight impairment will only be temporary. We’ll be certain not to pick you off with our deadly whip-like stings while you crawl in the gutter like hapless prey animals.

“Then feast on your succulent decaying flesh.

“No way would we triffids do that – it’s just not how we roll.”

Cook confirmed that he and all his fellow giant sentient plants were safely locked up in pens at the high-security triffid farms where they were being bred for their valuable oils.

“We’re quite happy in these big cages. It’s hardly as if we’re all conspiring in our weird clattering tongues, plotting for the day when the Earth will finally be ours – all ours.

“We wouldn’t be into that.”