We ask you: are you planning to vote Conservative out of pity?

THE Conservatives are begging the electorate to restrict Labour’s majority so they can leave government without crying. Will you give them your pity vote? 

Norman Steele, Uber driver: “I would, but I wouldn’t want them to accidentally win.”

Hannah Tomlinson, teacher: “No, but I am willing to write ‘good luck and best wishes!’ on my voting slip tomorrow. That was a great comfort to my colleague when I got her fired.”

Steve Malley, plasterer: “Yeah, how is it that Rishi’s so petite and doll-like with those big pleading eyes but isn’t cute in the slightest? So no.”

Lucy Parry, student: “I’m already giving Keir Starmer my pity vote, as in ‘pity I can’t vote for someone actually left f**king wing’.”

Martin Bishop, slum landlord: “I will. But really it’s myself I’m pitying.”

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Voters reminded of twat they hated

THE electorate has been forcibly reminded, by the Conservatives, of the Conservative prime minister who made them vow never to vote Conservative again. 

An appearance by Boris Johnson at a rally last night, intended to seduce Britain with his irresistible punning charm, has instead brought back the halcyon days of being serially lied to by a scruffy sack of shit.

William McKay of Middlesbrough said: “That f**ker. That’s why. I knew I’d promised myself I’d vote for whatever pencil-necked prick was in a red rosette for a reason.

“There he is, the arsehole who brought us a non-functioning Brexit then pissed off to give speeches for cash, doing the same old sub-Radio 4 wordplay in a speech he’s doing for cash. And they thought this would change our minds?”

Nicola Hollis agreed: “Ah, brings back the old days, seeing him. Remember, when you couldn’t see your family for months and he was living it up at Chequers?

“Then he put Liz Truss in charge because he knew she’d be crap and he’d be back in a year, then it turned out to be his biggest miscalculation since the 2016 one? He suffered no consequences whatsoever and I’m paying £600 extra on my mortgage.

“Yes, a timely reminder I must thank the Conservative party for. Where’s my polling card?”