THE prime minister is limping from scandal to outrage to scandal, which has nothing to do with the right-wing wanting him out. What will his next one be?
Steven Malley, jetwasher: “You know he bought that field so his mother could use it as a donkey sanctuary? He was in there at night. My mate used to hear their anguished braying. Sick bastard.”
Hannah Tomlinson, piemaker: “Tough. We’ve done Savile, we’ve done Epstein, we’re running out of nonces to tie him to. Maybe if footage emerges of him wearing a black fedora and doing a passable moonwalk?”
Norman Steele, hotel porter: “Ordering pizza with olives on. He’s not coming back from that, not with Reform voters.”
Wayne Hayes, jeweller: “His signature being slightly outside the box on tax paperwork from 1998. Followed by the BBC’s Chris Mason breathlessly shouting ‘it’s all over for Starmer’ like he’s commentating on a cup final.”
Donna Sheridan, gutter cleaner: “Notice nobody’s suggested a sex scandal. The man hasn’t got a f**k in him.”
