subscribe
/ Sign Out

We ask you: when should Rishi Sunak get his arse kicked at a general election?

THE prime minister has been accused of chickening out of calling a general election by Labour. When should he go to the country and lose? 

Ryan Whittaker, pizza chef: “Definitely not May, because he’s already losing the council elections then and only a sadist would want to see him suffer twice.”

Donna Sheridan, teaching assistant: “How about August? My birthday’s in August and nobody ever remembers it, so fingers crossed it could work the same for him.”

Oliver O’Connor, unemployed: “I know how he feels. I avoided the house meeting that was about me being kicked out for not paying rent and stealing from my housemates and selling their stuff for as long as possible. We’ve actually got a lot in common.”

Emma Bradford, data analyst: “What about October 25th, exactly two years after he got in? That way it’s nice and neat on his CV.”

Carolyn Ryan, risk manager: “Do they make him work his notice?”

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday
privacy

The second-last temptation of Christ was banoffee pie

JESUS has confirmed that his last temptation was to escape sacrifice, live as an ordinary man and raise a family, but the temptation previous to that was banoffee pie. 

The revelation follows the unearthing of a fifth Gospel in caves near the Dead Sea, which detail the Messiah’s struggle over whether to have dessert following the Last Supper.

Religious scholar Denys Finch Hatton said: “The scroll, which is an unfinished gospel purporting to be written by the apostle Simon, records that the group agreed to go out for a meal and, in the interests of fairness, to split the bill.

“Matthew and Mark wanted to go to a tapas bar but were outvoted by the rest, who said a tapas bar was just a fancy version of a picky tea. And great was their resentment.

“Judas betrayed Jesus twice that night as everyone agreed they’d just have a starter and a main course, but when the waitress came round with the dessert menu, Judas ordered the profiteroles despite their costing 12 shekels.

“Jesus was sorely tempted by the banoffee pie, but in the end just had a coffee. According to subsequent portraits of the crucifixion he was buff, so likely thinking of his figure.

“There followed a row about who had eaten what, whether drinks were included and Simon spoke much of the unfairness as he was gluten intolerant so had barely eaten anything. And lo, the wailing continued unto the very taxi.”

Next story ›