Wetherspoons given its own rail franchise

THE government has given Wetherspoons a rail franchise after the pub chain confirmed it knew nothing about running trains.

Transport secretary Grant Shapps insisted the company ‘will soon get the hang’ of operating a railway system.

He continued: “Yes, Wetherspoons has no actual experience of trains, but when you look at how cheap a round is you realise these guys know a thing or two.

“They may not know how to drive the trains but they’ve got a great, no-nonsense menu that fills you up without paying fancy prices.”

Wetherspoons boss Tim Martin said: “We’ve stripped out all the seats in carriages to make space for the bar and a kitchen for the deep-fat fryer and microwave.

“We are totally across this. Passengers can now enjoy a pint of Old Peculiar and a burger at 7am in the morning for just £3.90. Once we find the train ‘move forward’ buttons it’s all systems go.”

Commuter Tom Logan said: “My initial experience of SpoonsRail was positive, but mainly because I was so pissed I didn’t care that the train went to Leek instead of London where my job is.”

The government has dismissed as “teething troubles” an incident where a SpoonsRail train plunged off a bridge while the driver was putting a new barrel of Stella on.

Meghan to embrace British culture by carrying large inflatable cock on hen night

MEGHAN Markle will show her commitment to Britain by carrying around an inflatable penis on her hen night.

The historic evening will take place tonight, starting at a mate’s flat where Markle will down four glasses of Prosecco in half an hour before necking some vodka and putting the bottle in her handbag.

A Royal spokesperson said: “The princess-to-be will visit a Yates’s Wine Bar where she will tell them it’s her hen night and hassle the bar staff for a free round of shots.

“At this point her entourage will get out the giant inflatable penis and a learner driver sign, causing several other customers to leave due to the unbearable shrieking.

“Later in the evening they will be ejected from a different bar, with Ms Markle still clutching the huge pink cock while a friend tries to hit a bouncer with one of her high heels.

“They will then fail to get into a club for being paralytically pissed, causing the royal bride to start crying and say she ‘wouldn’t go into that shithole now if they paid her’.

“The presence of the giant inflatable phallus will make this scene all the more depressing.

“The royal hen night will then officially end outside a kebab shop in Lewisham with Meghan vomiting on the pavement and Princess Anne snogging a cab driver.”