Wetherspoons given its own rail franchise

THE government has given Wetherspoons a rail franchise after the pub chain confirmed it knew nothing about running trains.

Transport secretary Grant Shapps insisted the company ‘will soon get the hang’ of operating a railway system.

He continued: “Yes, Wetherspoons has no actual experience of trains, but when you look at how cheap a round is you realise these guys know a thing or two.

“They may not know how to drive the trains but they’ve got a great, no-nonsense menu that fills you up without paying fancy prices.”

Wetherspoons boss Tim Martin said: “We’ve stripped out all the seats in carriages to make space for the bar and a kitchen for the deep-fat fryer and microwave.

“We are totally across this. Passengers can now enjoy a pint of Old Peculiar and a burger at 7am in the morning for just £3.90. Once we find the train ‘move forward’ buttons it’s all systems go.”

Commuter Tom Logan said: “My initial experience of SpoonsRail was positive, but mainly because I was so pissed I didn’t care that the train went to Leek instead of London where my job is.”

The government has dismissed as “teething troubles” an incident where a SpoonsRail train plunged off a bridge while the driver was putting a new barrel of Stella on.