Wetherspoons given its own rail franchise

THE government has given Wetherspoons a rail franchise in its relentless quest to make private companies run Britain’s trains.

Despite the renationalisation of Virgin and Stagecoach services, ministers feel the popular pub chain will soon get the hang of running a huge transport system.

Transport minister Chris Grayling said: “Yes, Wetherspoons has no actual experience of trains, but when you look at how cheap a round is you realise these guys know a thing or two.

“They may not know how to drive the trains but they’ve got a great, no-nonsense menu that fills you up without paying fancy prices.”

Wetherspoons boss Tim Martin said: “We’ve stripped out all the seats in carriages to make space for the bar and a kitchen for the deep-fat fryer and microwave.

“We are totally across this. Passengers can now enjoy a pint of Old Peculiar and a burger at 7am in the morning for just £3.90. Once we find the train ‘move forward’ buttons it’s all systems go.”

Commuter Tom Logan said: “My initial experience of SpoonsRail was positive, but mainly because I was so pissed I didn’t care that the train went to Leek instead of London where my job is.”

The government has dismissed as “teething troubles” an incident where a SpoonsRail train plunged off a bridge while the driver was putting a new barrel of Stella on.