What are you outraged Rishi Sunak hasn't given you a discount on?

THE chancellor of the exchequer has been handing out freebies left, right and centre. But what are you bloody furious about because he’s not given you money off? 

Platform-soled sandals

Sophie Rodriguez, fashion blogger: “The platform sandal – and for the daring, the heeled sandal – was set to be the look for 2020. If Rishi wants women out and spending, he needs to subsidise deep discounts on these and those Florence Pugh cardigans.” 

Extreme sports

Jack Browne, kiteboarding instructor: “The lockdown hit us harder than anyone, but Rishi’s acted like kiteboarding doesn’t put a vital £1.2 million into the tax coffers every year. He has a moral duty to offer half off equipment and your first lesson free. And mandatory.” 

Modified intra-group debt instruments

Julian Cooke, debt trader: “With the threat of recession, the trades in modified intra-group debt packages have been hit hard. Even those of us who went short on it have lost money. It’s a national disgrace that the chancellor hasn’t offered us a £35 billion rescue package.” 

Bond film No Time To Die

Barbara Broccoli, film producer: “The 25th Bond film, likely Daniel Craig’s swan song, runs a very real risk of making profits below expectations. What a boost for Britain’s international profile if everyone around the world were to see it for free, courtesy of Rishi.” 


Josh Hudson, drug dealer: “The weed guys have been coining it in during lockdown, but coke’s ultimately a social drug. 75 per cent off your first gram will give this country the fillip and the courage to take risks that it needs. Come on, Rishi. Do the right thing.” 


Margaret Gerving, decoupage fan: “Decoupage? It’s gluing paper cut-outs to things. Why should we get free stuff? Because every other f**ker is, that’s why.” 

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Gyms, swimming pools and other fetid death traps to reopen this month

THE government has given the all-clear for enclosed spaces in which people grunt, thrash around and spray body fluids to open again this month.

Confident that coronavirus is almost beaten, the prime minister has challenged the disease to do its worst in the sort of confined, sweaty environments in which it thrives.

Boris Johnson said: “Reopening gyms and swimming pools is the sort of reckless, premature gesture which shows the coronavirus what we’re made of.

“There’s no way gasping and splashing around in a busy public swimming pool could transmit the virus. And a packed gym full of panting fitness obsessives who care about nothing except looking good is hardly its ideal environment.

“This virus is no match for brawny Brits working out shoulder-to-shoulder like we did in the Blitz, probably. It’ll soon slope off back to a weaker country, such as France, where the prey is easier.”

Epidemiologist Julian Cooke said: “The government is absolutely right, as usual. The coronavirus avoids environments like gyms because it feels guilty about never doing any exercise.

“It also hates swimming pools because it feels self-conscious in the changing rooms and is worried about getting a verruca.”