THE Tory leadership race has come down to a single issue: which extreme right-winger is the wokest? We analyse those left:
The people’s favourite has recanted her on-record trans debate wokery and apologised to the people of Britain for ever harbouring feelings of compassion to others in her heart, but is she lying? Will she unleash a despotic rainbow-flagged regime of social justice? Can we take that risk?
Woke rating: 7/10
Begins every statement with an impassioned condemnation of wokeness. Hates wokeness with every fibre of her being. Is undoubtedly the anti-wokeness candidate. But is also a black woman, like Michelle Obama and Kamala Harris, the demographic liberals believe is wokest of all. Is it all just a front?
Woke rating: 8/10
The moderate in the competition, which is to say he’s as woke as f**k. Has made no openly woke pronouncements, but at this stage in the polarisation you’re either hard-right or part of the Wokerati, and Tom’s made his choice. Two months of his government and all white indigenous Britons would be deported.
Woke rating: 9/10
As a millionaire with a billionaire wife, regularly meets others at secret social justice summits planning how to impose a New Woke World Order on the entire planet. Becoming prime minister is merely the first step on the road to a nightmare future where all races and sexualities live in utopian harmony or are shot.
Woke rating: 10/10
Enigmatic Truss’s Mona Lisa smile conceals not a vapid void who demands to be elected because it is her turn, but one of the most wild-eyed woke warriors the world has ever seen. Would make being transgender mandatory, dissolve national borders and punish racist microagressions with torture and public burning like a real-life Twitter.
Woke rating: off the f**king scale