Who is the wokest right-wing fascist bastard in the leadership race? Our analysis

THE Tory leadership race has come down to a single issue: which extreme right-winger is the wokest? We analyse those left:

Penny Mordaunt

The people’s favourite has recanted her on-record trans debate wokery and apologised to the people of Britain for ever harbouring feelings of compassion to others in her heart, but is she lying? Will she unleash a despotic rainbow-flagged regime of social justice? Can we take that risk?

Woke rating: 7/10

Kemi Badenoch

Begins every statement with an impassioned condemnation of wokeness. Hates wokeness with every fibre of her being. Is undoubtedly the anti-wokeness candidate. But is also a black woman, like Michelle Obama and Kamala Harris, the demographic liberals believe is wokest of all. Is it all just a front?

Woke rating: 8/10

Tom Tugendhat

The moderate in the competition, which is to say he’s as woke as f**k. Has made no openly woke pronouncements, but at this stage in the polarisation you’re either hard-right or part of the Wokerati, and Tom’s made his choice. Two months of his government and all white indigenous Britons would be deported.

Woke rating: 9/10

Rishi Sunak

As a millionaire with a billionaire wife, regularly meets others at secret social justice summits planning how to impose a New Woke World Order on the entire planet. Becoming prime minister is merely the first step on the road to a nightmare future where all races and sexualities live in utopian harmony or are shot.

Woke rating: 10/10

Liz Truss

Enigmatic Truss’s Mona Lisa smile conceals not a vapid void who demands to be elected because it is her turn, but one of the most wild-eyed woke warriors the world has ever seen. Would make being transgender mandatory, dissolve national borders and punish racist microagressions with torture and public burning like a real-life Twitter.

Woke rating: off the f**king scale

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The middle-class guide to playing down your comfortable lifestyle

DO you have a comfortable life and own lots of lovely things? Here’s how to make constant, unnecessary middle-class excuses for it all:

Slag it off 

When you step out of your brand new Audi, be sure to say in a big, loud voice how much you miss your old Honda Accord: none of this automated boot nonsense and a key you could actually turn. That way, nobody in the service station car park will make the mistake of thinking you’re actually enjoying your privilege.

Make lame excuses

If a friend happens to be over when your Ocado delivery arrives, explain immediately that all the Tesco delivery slots were taken. And, anyway, you normally prefer to go to the supermarket yourself as it’s so nice to take an active part in society, but unfortunately you’ve injured your foot. Then don’t forget to limp for the rest of the time they’re there.

Pass the buck

There’s no better way to tame your privilege than to blame it on someone else. ‘We didn’t really want it, but my mother-in-law insisted on buying us the wood-fired hot tub’, you say, carefully hiding the invoice. No one believes you, but pretending not to have money to spend on fripperies you only use twice a year makes you feel like less of an awful human being.

Play it down 

If you’ve just got back from two weeks in Antigua, be sure to tell your marginally-less-well-off neighbours that the beaches are just like Brighton really. A little less pebbly, but hardly worth all the airport faff. And the constant sun’s quite nice but a bit hot for you actually. You’ll stick to Scarborough next time, you say, even though you’ve already booked the Maldives for Christmas.

Say you’re lucky

Make it clear that you don’t feel deserving of your detached house, outdoor pizza oven and 60-inch TV in the ‘cinema room’ by repeatedly claiming it’s all down to ‘luck’. But then again, it is quite lucky that your parents sold that shabby old London townhouse for £3.2 million and gave you a wedge of it to play with.