WKD Blue for Gove: which booze would which politician take to a BYOB party?

THE Conservative government appears to have partied lockdown away. But which type of booze would which politician favour?

Michael Gove: WKD Blue

Everyone knows Michael Gove loves having it large, so he’ll bring the clubber’s drink of choice: a carrier bag full of bottles of WKD Blue. After furiously throwing some shapes on the Number 10 patio, he’ll vomit in a hedge and be sent home in a police car.

Rishi Sunak: Dom Perignon in an M&S Prosecco bottle

Despite being a millionaire married to a billionaire, Rishi Sunak is always keen to highlight his humble beginnings. To demonstrate what a down to earth guy he is he’ll drink a bottle of £9.99 M&S Prosecco, having first sneakily filled it up with ruinously expensive champagne when no one is looking.

Boris Johnson: pint of Baileys

Boris Johnson is essentially an overgrown child who has somehow become leader of the UK. As such, he won’t like the taste of wine or beer, but instead prefer a beverage which is basically an alcoholic milkshake. After a couple of pints of Baileys he’ll fall asleep under a table until Carrie takes him home.

Dominic Raab: six pack of Stella

Dom wants everyone to think he’s a tough guy, so he’ll arrive at the party bearing six cans of Stella and aggressively crush each one in his fist when it’s finished. When he’s sufficiently oiled up he’ll rip off his shirt to reveal a white vest like Bruce Willis wears in Die Hard and offer to arm wrestle Steve Barclay and Nadine Dorries at the same time.

Priti Patel: neat vodka with a vinegar chaser

Priti Patel may be famous for her smirk, but she rarely cracks a full smile and wouldn’t enjoy the party at all. However, she’d grit her teeth and get through it by necking her favourite drink of a shot of neat vodka washed down with half a pint of vinegar. It’s the sort of harsh and punishing thing she enjoys, just like her Nationality and Borders Bill.

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

15 ways in which all other drivers prove themselves to be arseholes

DRIVING would be so much nicer if it wasn’t for all the total twats on the roads doing these things: 

Not letting you out at a junction, especially when it’s the end of your own bloody street and you’ve been there ten f**king minutes.

Flashing to let you out at a junction when you don’t want to pull out just yet because you’re trying to change the CD, dickhead.

Thanking you for letting them out when you actually had to because they’d pushed into the middle of the road. It wasn’t out of the goodness of your heart.

Beeping at you if you don’t move the very picosecond the lights go green.

Beeping ever. Even if it’s not aimed at you, you’ll assume it is and spend the rest of the journey pissed off about whatever they think you did wrong.

Driving up your arsehole. That’s not going to make anyone go faster. If anything slower and if you both die in the resulting collision it’s their fault.

The driver in front of you who lets every man and his driving bloody dog out of the junction. What do you want, to be made mayor?

Everyone who used to hog the middle lane but on smart motorways now hogs the third lane, leaving the inner two fallow.

Bastards who drive at 40 in a 30 zone fooling you into going 40 but you get f**king flashed.

Non-indicating dickheads.

Boy racers who’ve pimped their exhausts to an illegal 100db, making up for the fact they have such a quiet penis.

Flashing you while up your arse on the motorway, because you’re only doing 80 and they need to hit a ton.

Flashing you to turn your lights on when it’s 3pm. We’re not in f**king Finland.

Sitting there changing the CD in their ancient heap of shit when there’s a rare gap in traffic, forcing you to beep and flash.

Being there getting in your way every day of the year because driving would be a treat if the roads weren’t packed with bellends. Parking would be a ballache though.