Women and black people shocked by accusations of Met incompetence

WOMEN and black people have been left dumbfounded after learning the Metropolitan police are unable to arrest the right people. 

The revelation that the force did not fine Boris Johnson for illegal parties despite first-hand testimony and photographic evidence has astonished both groups, who up until now had complete faith in the rule of law.

Emma Bradford, a female London resident, said: “When I saw the photos my legs buckled from shock. How could the police make such a basic error? They’ve never put a foot wrong before.

“The police force I thought I knew wouldn’t make an oversight like this. Even when they’re aggressively breaking up a vigil for a woman murdered by one of their officers it was always to protect the public.”

Black man Joshua Hudson said: “This whole Partygate scandal is making me start to wonder if something’s going wrong in the police. Like, perhaps there are bad officers who don’t enforce the law without fear or favour as they always have in the past.

“I almost wouldn’t be surprised to hear of corruption throughout the whole institution, preposterous as that seems. Or even racism.

“I think there should be an investigation. And I can’t think of a better bunch of guys to undertake it than the Metropolitan police.”

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Even BMW drivers think Tesla drivers are arseholes

TESLA drivers are considered to be wankers even by BMW drivers, they have confirmed. 

Record Tesla sales mean motorists in luxury vehicles across the country are discovering that Tesla owners are by far the biggest knobs on the road.

Ryan Whittaker, who drives a BMW Z4, said: “Apparently their cars are so technologically advanced they don’t need to indicate. Presumably other drivers get an automated email when they change lane.

“Selfish arseholes act like they own the f**king road just because they overpaid 20 grand for the marque of their twatmobiles.”

Audi driver Tom Booker agreed: “At least half the cars that cut me up are Teslas. All that self-driving bollocks mean they’ve no idea how to drive. They’re always bursting into flames. Serve them right for not buying German.”

Cryptocurrency trader Martin Bishop, owner of a Tesla Model S, said: “I should have exclusive use of the outside lane on motorways. I’m too busy to be flashing lights behind old-fashioned polluting cars.

“Indicators? I think the car can handle that by itself, don’t you? For £115k I bloody hope so.”