'You know how cannabis isn't illegal in London in any sense that matters? Well…' says mayor

SADIQ Khan has outrageously suggested that the law in London should be updated to match ongoing realities on the ground. 

The mayor, who has already damaged the capital by being elected three times while those living elsewhere did not want him to be, now plans to bring the city to its knees by acknowledging what is actually happening within it.

He said: “Half of London is openly smoking weed on our streets. The other half’s smoking it indoors.

“You cannot walk from a Pret to another Pret – and that’s a very short walk – without catching a cloud of Hawaiian widow. Dealers’ QR codes dot every lamppost. The white and middle-class have only to be a little anxious and they get skunk prescribed.

“Therefore I am proposing that rather than pretend this isn’t happening in the face of copious evidence we admit it is, that London is baked, and cannabis is as legal here as public urination.

“Yes, this will give the Met one less weapon to use against black people. Honestly I’m viewing that as a positive.”

A government source said: “Oh for God’s sake, who commissioned an independent drugs report led by a barrister and former justice secretary? Those things always come out wrong, they’re useless.”

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Woman appalled by notebook with actual notes inside

A WOMAN who enjoys stationery as an abstract, decorative concept has been disgusted to see it being used for its assigned purpose.

Publishing editor Emma Bradford, who regularly treats herself to a new notebook with vellum pages and places it on view with the others, was sickened when she saw a friend brazenly crack the spine of a journal then deface it with handwriting.

She said: “Why? When those pages were all lovely and blank?

“Next she’ll start carrying it around with her, using it willy-nilly, getting its pages all crinkled and bent like a common slut. My notepads stay at home, safe from the horrors of callous biros.

“That book could have been anything. A wellness journal, a travel diary, a novel or a screenplay or just a list of things to be grateful for, written in lovely script with a fountain pen. Now it’s apparently noting down songs she likes, no better than a phone.

“Does she know how many notebooks I’ve had to throw away because I foolishly wrote something on the first few pages and ruined it? They should be kept virgin and beautiful.”

Friend Francesca Johnson said: “Also, I scuff up the edge of rubbers by using them and sit on decorative cushions. Watch out, motherf**kers.”