Zelensky knows who's ringing before even looking at phone

PRESIDENT Zelensky, who has just noted the UK by-election results on international news, knows exactly who this is calling on the phone.

The leader of Ukraine, who is largely focused on Russian advances around Severodonetsk, saw a brief summary of the results on CNN, and sighed in anticipation of the conversation he would soon be having.

He said: “I shouldn’t complain. We’ll probably get another 500 anti-tank missiles out of it. But God damn is it predictable.

“The moment he’s in big trouble, and I’ve got to say that appears to be at least once a fortnight, he is on the phone. He was here in person a week ago. So I don’t think it’s helping.

“I have a war going on here. The fighting is brutal. My country is being devastated. Last time I had to very firmly say that I would not be able to take ‘a few days off’ to attend the Conservative party conference in October.

“See? My phone’s ringing now. I promise you I don’t even have to look at caller ID. It can only be one guy. Sorry, I’d better take this.

“Hi, is Zelensky. Boris, old chum! What a surprise it is you calling! How is life in the UK?”

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Five talents you never knew you had until you started drinking

CONSUMING alcohol in large quantities can unleash talents you never knew you had. And may possibly want to forget. Skills such as these…

Eating unimaginable crap

You always considered yourself a fussy eater, but after eight pints or a few bottles of Prosecco anything goes. Never mind wolfing down the dodgiest takeaway anus-and-tendon burger, you’ll have no problem demolishing a ketchup and Nutella Weetabix sandwich when that’s all you can find after getting in from the pub. 

Boundless confidence

Usually you don’t say boo to a goose. But after enough Stella you’re strutting around like a pimp’s pet peacock, oozing George Clooney charm, giving excellent advice, informing others of your stimulating opinions and offering sexual experiences to grateful ladies. Although in reality you’re just being a massive twat. And even if you somehow get lucky, you’re about to showcase your talent for brewer’s droop.

Losing stuff

Despite normally being quite responsible, throw in some vodka shots and possessions start magically disappearing. Where have your house keys gone? Did it have something to do with swinging your handbag round your head in drunken excitement? What did you do with your phone? You can’t have lost that – you were taking utterly pointless identical pictures of pissed people all night with it.

Talking utter shite

In everyday life you keep your cards close to your chest, until a gallon of booze has you gobbing off witlessly like Piers Morgan. The only problem is if someone well-informed disagrees with you. Luckily shouting, personal attacks and changing the subject are all great ways of winning an argument. You’ve got alcohol to thank for that.

Looking your absolute worst

You may have spent hours carefully perfecting your look for a night out, but you’ve got a talent for transforming into Worzel Gummidge in minutes. Hair everywhere, make-up like a tearful clown, one shoe missing – which you somehow didn’t notice. At least your doner kebab won’t judge you. Shit, you’ve just dropped it on a filthy pavement. It must be a new talent for watching the calories.