Woman desperate for Glastonbury to end so she can wank on about being at Glastonbury

A WOMAN at Glastonbury is counting down the seconds until the festival ends and she can start banging on about it to everyone. 

Lucy Parry, 24, hates live music, large crowds and camping, but decided to ‘do Glasto’ so she has a story to bore the f**k out of people with for the next decade. 

Parry said: “This is hell. The only music I like is Adele, so this is all shit. It’s a fiver for a bottle of water and everyone’s nasty and sweaty. I’m pretty sure a lot of them are on drugs. I have no idea how people can enjoy this sort of thing. 

“But even though I hate the festival, I’m going to absolutely love telling people I’ve done something trendy they’ve never done themselves. Plus, it’s ‘Glasto’! Anyone who isn’t a total loser has a story about ‘Glasto’, even if it’s worse than a South American prison.  

“I’m sure I can just grit my teeth and endure the next few days. Then as soon as I get home I can start awkwardly slotting Glastonbury into every conversation I have. That’s after I’ve had a shower and disinfected myself.

“I’ll be so excited to see people’s eyes glaze over when I tell them about the time I stood in a field and watched a band they’ve never heard of.

“When I finally make it to Saturday night, I’ll be able to take an incredibly distant, low-res picture of Sir Paul McCartney on stage. I’ll be showing that to people for years. 

“It’ll really come into its own when he dies, so fingers crossed.”

Virile, dashing young bachelor back on the market, announces The Sun

THE Sun has reported that Rupert Murdoch, a virile young buck with an impressively large dick, is back on the market.

Underneath the headline ‘Mega-cock Murdoch ditches gold-digger Jerry Hall’, the paper outlined how it expected its owner to be inundated with advances from nubile single women who are young just like him.

Sun editor Victoria Newton said: “It’s the day every woman in the UK has been waiting for. Finally we’re in with a chance with the most eligible man about town who’s hung like a horse on steroids.

“Just look at him. Who wouldn’t want to shack up with this sprightly Antipodean Adonis? I’m getting wet at the thought of running my hands over his liver spots. Dear Deidre’s going to be flooded with letters asking how to get this hunk into bed.”

Sun reader and Murdoch admirer Nikki Hollis said: “I was on the phone to my girlfriends the second I saw the news. We were all hysterical with excitement as we started planning our futures with him.”

Tomorrow’s Sun corrections column is expected to read: “Knackered Emperor Palpatine lookalike Rupert Murdoch is in fact 91 years old and has a member like a shrivelled chipolata.”