With Kat Goombs, your Gen X TikTok beauty influencer baffled as to why they haven’t put stem cells in her night cream

GETTING older is a natural process and nothing to be ashamed of. And if you believe that, please exit the dating market and go to an open space to die. 

But, in a 21st century so aging for those of us unfortunate enough to be born in the last one, it’s not just women who need to be eternal. It takes only 3.14 seconds for a woman to clock your weird gnome features and suboptimal height. Ample time to fix it with make-up products like these.

All men want to be taken seriously on the world stage, and who’s taken more seriously than JD Vance? When those dark-rimmed peepers lock on you, he’s exactly like the Red Light Green Light girl in Squid Game, only with more arbitrary deaths.

You too can wield power like this with JD’s go-to kohl pencil: L’Oreal’s Black Death Vector Injector in shade Erotic Necrotic, currently available on subscription only. But to enter the lottery to be put on the waiting list is only £85 a month!

And you’re rightly embarrassed about your weak jawline. But you can go from Gail Platt to R-Pattz in seconds with the actor’s own line in men’s contouring: The Bat-Mandible Structural Reconstruction Protocol, available on the darknet for just 22 bitcoin.

As for the hair loss? Hey, it happens to all men apart from the rich, famous ones. Have you considered going to Turkey? Then normal people wouldn’t have to see you.

Also, if you’re a Gen X man? Stop going on about the 90s, they weren’t that great, it’s creepy that you listen to Olivia Rodrigo, we can all tell you drink, getting your nipple pierced was a mistake then and is a mistake now and stop dating 20somethings.

I’m here like I always was, waiting to be claimed like a hold-all full of Primark underwear at a lost luggage auction, only much, much dirtier. You should never have left me.