Let's move to a city heaving with Hoorays and the homeless! This week: Oxford

What’s it about?

Lucky enough to be blessed not only with one of the oldest and best universities in the world but also a brand new John Lewis, Oxford really is a cut above.

Packed with stunning architecture and students unimpressed with it because they grew up in 15th century manor houses and have no doubt they’re better than you. Also has one of the worst homelessness problems in the UK, so step over sleeping bags and pretend not to have change as you stare up at those dreaming spires feeling guilty.

Any good points?

Not many cities can rival Oxford’s stunning architecture and fascinating history, not to mention parking prices hitting a world-beating £6 an hour. But that at least means the city’s awash with empty spaces: gone are the days of looping up and down St Giles for an afternoon looking for somewhere to f**king park.

Driving in Oxford also gives you the opportunity to battle gridlock on Botley Road and to experience its unfathomable one-way system; every visitor to the city drives down a restricted road, or a tiny stretch of restricted road in the middle of an otherwise unrestricted road, and receives a fine in the post as a lovely souvenir.

Sidestep this with the Park & Ride, which charges you both to park and to ride. Or join the students risking their lives on bikes or electric scooters. As a bonus, these also make it terrifying to be a pedestrian.

Wonderful landscape?

Between the university parks, Christ Church Meadow and the Botanic Gardens, Oxford has a wealth of stunning places to consult the Park & Ride return schedule.

Forget the Radcliffe Camera and the Bridge of Sighs; for real sightseeing, go to Headington to marvel at the lifesize shark embedded headfirst in the roof of a house.

Fans of fighting swans and falling into rivers should go to the Cherwell and have a punt at punting. Though it’s less relaxing than you’d imagine to have a boozy picnic on the back of a wobbly boat armed with nothing but a surprisingly unmanageable pole.

There’s also the Martyrs Memorial, and just around the corner in Broad Street the actual spot where bishops were burned alive: very Instagrammable. Time it right and see throngs of students dressed like penguins pouring out of the Sheldonian Theatre after some weirdly-named ceremony. Just think, you’re glimpsing the future of privileged, incompetent English politics.

Hang out at…

Enjoy Latin hymns and early mornings? Who doesn’t? Fight through the crowds for a place at the foot of Magdalen Tower at 6am on May 1st to be serenaded by young choirboys and grown men singing falsetto.

Make it past the police and join the other May Day tradition of flinging yourself off the bridge and into the river, hoping to miss a shopping trolley

Otherwise renowned for having the worst nightlife in the country, the club scene is overrun with students but the kebab vans are excellent: stay away from Parkend and head straight out to Ahmed’s on the High Street for award-winning cheese and chips.

Where to buy?

Central Oxford is blessed not only with listed buildings and chain cafes but house prices to rival London. Though it’s also teeming with unaffordable suburbs: whether Summertown to the north or Headington to the east, they’re each full of M&S Foodhalls and private schools.

From the streets:

Helen Archer, aged 19: “Personally, I don’t see why people call Oxford University elitist. It’s full of grounded, normal former public school pupils who struggle to pay their battels because they’ve blown their trust fund on coke. Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to call into the Bod before my tute and then get into my subfusc for Formal.”

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Mash Blind Date: your two gay mates who would totally love each other so should go out

STRAIGHT woman Lottie has two gay friends, who by virtue of sharing a sexuality and her friendship are obviously destined to be a couple. Aren’t they? 

Nick on Angus

First impression?

Bald, short, extremely hairy. Like an Ewok that got into bodybuilding and ‘roids. Hands that would be more comfortable tearing a phonebook in half than caressing tenderly. The complete antithesis of my type.

How was conversation? 

I don’t fuck about so I told him. He agreed rather too enthusiastically. Then we moved onto the subject of Lottie, who made us go on this date, and her various shortcomings.

Memorable moments?

He was extremely funny on the Token Straight Friend and what a total pain in the arse they are. The recounting of Lottie’s hen do was nightmarish. He’d had so many white girls cry on his shoulder he had to have a Dries van Noten cardigan professionally cleaned.

Favourite thing about Angus? 

His contacts book. That little circus strongman knows literally everyone and he is willing to make calls. I set up three dates.

A capsule description? 

Not for me, but good company and a possible ideal suitor if you like the lad with the axe from the Ringo Middle Earth films.

Was there a spark? 

No. Though we enjoyed putting Lottie on the bonfire.

What happened afterwards? 

We went our separate ways. I gave the restaurant three stars on TripAdvisor. He was already on Grindr.

What would you change about the evening? 

I would not go on a date organised by a straight out of politeness. They literally know nothing.

Will you see each other again?  

At Lottie’s next party, where we will take the piss mercilessly.

Angus on Nick

First impression?

Tall, slim, effete, 20 years older than me, looks like there’s not a fuck in him.

How was conversation?

Direct. He beat me to the punch of declaring I wasn’t his type. I didn’t bother saying ‘same’. Then we moved on to the main conversation of the evening: what a clueless patronising cow Lottie is.

Memorable moments?

He did a bloody brilliant impression of Lottie as a shit-thick zookeeper encouraging a couple of male pandas to mate by playing them Kylie and Cher. Really nailed her egotistic idiocy. It’s good he’s got humour, what with his looks.

Favourite thing about Nick? 

Didn’t waste my time. He knows about art and stuff if you’re interested in that kind of thing. I’m not but set him up with a couple of mates who aren’t so blessed.

A capsule description? 

I wasn’t interested. That’s my description.

Was there a spark? 

I’d address this to Lottie: just because I’m gay doesn’t mean I’m not picky. Have I ever had a boyfriend anything like Nick? No. Why do you think that is? Have a proper think.

What happened afterwards? 

He was on about the food. I was after salvaging the night. We went in opposite directions.

What would you change about the evening? 

Wouldn’t have bothered.

Will you see each other again?  

At Lottie’s next do. We’ll rip the shit out of her. Looking forward to it.