COULD committed vegan Flora and enthusiastic carnivore Jamie find common ground, or are they both tedious, sanctimonious twats whose date was bound to fail?
Flora on Jamie
First impression
From a distance I thought he was pretty good-looking, but when I sat down I could smell the animal fats leaking from his pores. He had that evil, greasy sheen I associate with people who murder and consume my animal siblings.
How was the conversation?
Initially confused, as we both angrily spoke over each other trying to be the first to explain our moral standpoints on consuming flesh. Then he got stuck chewing a particularly tough bit of steak for ages and I was able to wax lyrical about the superiority of veganism, like I usually do.
Memorable moments?
When he proudly told me he hadn’t had a shit in 10 days due to constipation from his all-meat diet. I’d just hit nine days, due to constipation from compacted roughage. I suppose we bonded a little.
Favourite thing about Jamie?
He was the living embodiment of a boorish, masculine carnivore and therefore completely fulfilled my expectations of him being absolutely awful. I’m always right, you know.
A capsule description?
He ate a big chunk of flesh from a poor, innocent cow in front of me, so ‘Vile, sick freak who belongs in prison’ should cover it.
Was there a spark?
Yes, a very angry one, which I must admit did cross the line into raw, sexual passion.
What happened afterwards?
We shouted at each other in the street then ended up snogging and he came back to mine for an incredible banging session.
What would you change about the evening?
I’d have not insisted on splitting the bill. My butter bean salad was dirt cheap compared to his 20 oz steak.
Will you see each other again?
Yes, we’ve arranged to hook up for more hot sex next weekend, but don’t tell anyone.
Jamie on Flora
First impression
Just as I’d expected, from the vegan leather jacket to the felt Birkenstocks. But what I hadn’t anticipated was a strange stirring sensation in my groin.
How was the conversation?
Reasonable, pragmatic and sensible when I was talking. Total hippy bollocks when she was rabbiting on, which was a long time as I’d literally bitten off more than I could chew.
Memorable moments?
Watching her turn pale as I cut into my very rare steak. There was more blood on my plate than there was in her face. Does that make me sound incredibly masculine and tough? I hope so.
Favourite thing about Flora?
I had to admire her commitment to her cause. She accused the woman at the next table of ‘stealing, killing and dismembering the child of a loving mother’ because she’d ordered the lamb.
A capsule description?
Preachy, condescending, judgemental, smug, annoying and confusingly attractive.
Was there a spark?
Yes. Despite the Birkenstocks. And the undercut.
What happened afterwards?
We went back to hers and shagged like mad. She had a lot of stamina for someone who must have an iron deficiency and weak bones.
What would you change about the evening?
I shouldn’t have let her pay half the bill. It made me look like a weak metrosexual feminist who doesn’t eat meat at every meal.
Will you see each other again?
No. At least not in public anyway.
