The best sex toys to be a bit intimidated by if you're honest. By the Mash sex columnist

Sex toys will introduce you to a terrifying new world of sensual pleasure, says middle-aged sex columnist Jen Prentice

SEX toys allow you to kick back alone and let the batteries do the work. But sometimes you feel a little intimidated as you double-check your partner’s not around and pull down your pants.

The one the size of a small country 

The postman delivers an unmarked box and from the size of it you assume it’s that new coat rack you ordered. But it turns out to be a dildo so big it deserves to be on a plinth in the town square. You think ‘Lots of lube should do it’, but in reality trying to use it seems more faff than just having sex with your partner. Yes, it’s that bad.

The one you leave up there

Then there are the eggs and balls and whatnots that you pop up there. You’re going to work with a huge hunk of remote control-activated silicone wedged up you? What if you can’t get it out? Or it goes off during your annual review and you climax in front of your manager? And not in a sexy way. More in a ‘people who work here will piss themselves with laughter for generations’ way.

The cheap one

If there’s one thing you want to avoid super-cheap versions of – along with meat and bog roll – it’s sex toys. It’s only natural to have doubts if it was on offer, or worse, you got it free with another order. Proceed with caution. You don’t want the sex-toy equivalent of that dodgy spirit your mate got from Latvia that was 98 per cent antifreeze and extremely toxic.

The one with the intimidating description

Some of the words on the box are enough to make anyone think twice. Hook, probe, suction… suction? Is it going to suck off your genitals and hoover out your insides for good measure? It’s hard not to at least wonder before you throw caution to the wind and shove it down there before your partner finishes watching Ozark.

The DIY one

Be it an electric toothbrush, a cucumber, a shampoo bottle or something more adventurous, you’re going to wonder about the risk. You might become the star of one of those embarrassing stories A&E doctors collect. Then again, we’re all striving to make our mark and perhaps becoming ‘the idiot who got a stapler stuck up there’ is how fate plans to immortalise you.

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Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Aries, March 21st–April 19th

Money is the root of all evil. So your massive energy bill is actually doing you a favour by stopping you turning evil like Hitler or Meghan Markle.

Taurus, April 20th–May 20th

You’ll never amount to anything, your teachers told you. But you showed them by becoming a teacher. Shame you hate every second of it and wasted your life.

Gemini, May 21st–June 21st

Every household with kids has a bag of potato smileys in the freezer. With luck, your broccoli LMAOs will be even bigger.

Cancer, June 22nd–July 22nd

This week your natural creativity will shine. Who the fuck are we kidding? You’ve got a boring office job and the last creative thing you did was copying a picture of Judge Dredd aged eight. And that was shit.

Leo, July 23rd–August 22nd

Other famous Leos include Erwin Schrodinger. Your cat may be in an indeterminate state of life and death, but the RSPCA will want to know why you kept it in a box.

Virgo, August 23rd–September 22nd

Beware of men with hairy backs. There’s just something weird about them. 

Libra, September 23rd–October 22nd

It’s time to take a leap into the unknown. Lift up a manhole cover and jump in. It must be a good idea because horoscopes always recommend it. 

Scorpio, October 23rd–November 22nd

Good news! This week you will come into a large sum of money. It’s unfortunate you will have to murder your mum and dad with an axe, but 55 was a good innings. 

Sagittarius, November 22nd–December 21st

They say you should keep your friends close but your enemies closer, and that’s why you’re weirdly sharing a single bed with that bastard Gavin who bullied you in Year 10. 

Capricorn, December 22nd–January 19th

This week you will be a yob parent. If your kid trips over in the street and grazes their knee, get a sledgehammer and teach that pavement a bit of respect.

Aquarius, January 20th–February 18th

The winning Lottery numbers are 5, 40, 17, 28 and 11, and the Life Ball is 3, which is unusually specific for a horoscope. Sadly you will be run over next Tuesday at 6.22pm by a Kia Sportage driven by Gary Francis Pierce, 31, who is busy thinking about whether wasps have knobs.

Pisces, February 19th–March 20th

You can’t get better than a Kwik-Fit fitter, they say. Apart from a blowjob with coke up your arse, and in fairness that won’t tell you if you need a new battery.