'They can't put a mother of two out on the streets,' I said. 'Soon-to-be single mother,' said that cow Dorries

From the diary of Carrie Johnson, Britain’s First Lady: 

TWO children, the oldest a toddler. A young, beautiful mother who could be left homeless. ‘And divorced,’ said Dorries, who’s been on the Pinot. 

She’s here all the time now, which doesn’t help the last-days-in-the-bunker feel, nor does it help keep the wine fridge stocked. ‘Can’t we get rid of her?’ I asked him. No answer. So it appears we’re that fucking desperate.

How has it come to this? Over Arse Pincher? Who’s also hanging around, because he’s afraid if he gets photographed leaving Downing Street the world will remember he’s the one twat that hasn’t quit.

‘Logically,’ Big Dog said, taking a nip of single malt to fortify himself before the select committee, ‘once you’ve resigned, nobody gives a shit what you think because you’ve resigned. So this clears a path to appoint Boris loyalists.’

‘Brilliant,’ Dorries said. ‘I’m ready to do whatever it takes. I’m already multi-tasking as an MP and a bestselling novelist. I could handle say five cabinet posts.’

‘I could do education,’ said Pincher. ‘We’ve fucking got someone in education,’ I snapped, covering Romy’s ears. ‘Logic doesn’t apply. This is the Tories. What did Gove say?’

‘That I needed to go for the good of the party,’ he said, taking another nip. ‘Same as the rest of them. As if I gave a fat dick about the party. Or the country.’

‘They can’t make you go,’ I said. ‘What about me? What about the kids? What about Chequers? Can’t we just ignore it?’

‘That’s the plan,’ he said. ‘Stay in office, ignore all the no-confidence shit, talk up the mandate from the electorate. Wait it out, come roaring back, triumph at a general, the Boris Era rolls on.’

‘And if that doesn’t work?’ I said. ‘You’ll be looking for a second husband,’ said Dorries. Sly bitch. Though if I’m honest she’s not wrong.

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Let's move to the London suburb Kate Moss got the f**k out of as fast as possible! This week: Croydon

What’s it about?

Iconic 60s concrete office blocks, the Fairfield Halls, Ikea and a big dual carriageway; what hasn’t Croydon got? It’s even home to an amazing new £1.4 billion Westfield Centre, except the council’s bankrupt so it’s not going to get built.

Also enjoys a vibrant alcohol-fuelled violent youth crime scene in the shape of Boxpark, lots of venues decorated with fluttering police barrier tape, and several magistrates courts. Plus private schools with garish uniforms so the local kids know who to mug.

Any good points?

The Westfield cancellation came only after chunks of the town centre had already been cleared and demolished. This amazing stroke of luck has transformed Croydon into a vibrant blend of boarded-up building sites and rubble-filled holes, all immeasurably prettier than the state it was in previously.

Surprisingly well connected, giving residents plenty of escape options including fast trains to London Bridge, Victoria, Gatwick and Brighton so they can visit lots of affluent areas where they can’t afford to live.

Wonderful landscapes?

Firmly egalitarian in spirit, Croydon shunned the 80s out-of-town shopping centre experience and built several in the middle of town instead, complete with a dual carriageway right through the middle, to make sure it’s uniformly shit.

When newly-built Croydon was known as the Manhattan of the UK. Yeah. In Velvet Goldmine Christian Bale ran around a Whitgift centre car park masquerading as Seventies New York, to the mirth of Croydon cinema goers and anyone with eyes.

The name Croydon comes from ‘valley of the crocuses’ in Anglo-Saxon, which was the last time a crocus was seen alive in Croydon. The purple-and-pink Saffron Square tower was apparently inspired by said crocus, perhaps only glancingly.

Otherwise it’s a calming neutral palette of grey concrete as backdrop to residents’ routing of stabbing each other while yelling in horrible south London accents. To maintain calm, the police mandate that the only colour in the landscape be from scattered Morley’s chicken wrappers.

Hang out at…

Vibrant West Croydon has its own Cash Converters, a Greggs and intriguingly named retail outfits Juz Lookin’, Kebabish and Ars Jewels. And yes, vibrant means, ‘lock your car doors if waiting in traffic’.

One of the few London boroughs to have undergone the process of degentrification, Croydon was also a hub of the UK’s biggest ever impromptu alfresco bonfire event, the 2011 riots.

West Croydon estate agents have struggled to rebrand it by appropriating surrounding place names because the surroundings are even worse.

Broad Green doesn’t have a broad green, and Thornton Heath Pond which doesn’t have a pond. There is an East Croydon and a South Croydon but no North Croydon. It once existed, but hastily renamed itself when it saw the direction things were going in.

Where to buy?

Houses are cheap so go nuts: you can get a two-bedroom maisonette for just £300k. Which is rock-bottom pricing for somewhere so close to London.

Buy in South Croydon and claim it’s Sanderstead: that way you can shop in Waitrose, pop to Oxted Everyman for the cinema, and pretend you’re not in Croydon at all. Or forget that and just buy anywhere the infamous Croydon cat killer has not yet struck. Yes, that was a real thing.

From the streets:

Tom Archer: “Did you know Kate Moss is from Croydon? Can’t say we’ve seen her since 1990, mind.”