Aries, March 21st–April 19th
On Wednesday you prove that cancel culture is a total myth when you spend eight hours trying to cancel Sky and get fucking nowhere.
Taurus, April 20th–May 20th
Ah, a tub of loose IKEA allen keys, each one representing an afternoon of malice and anger and choice obscenity. Memory lane.
Gemini, May 21st–June 21st
A friend comes to you with a proposition – smell their finger? Don’t rush in, consider your options.
Cancer, June 22nd–July 22nd
This isn’t your star sign. It’s your ex-boyfriend’s. But since you’ve gone to the trouble, yes he’s cheating on that bitch he left you for. Happy now?
Leo, July 23rd–August 22nd
Your submission for a spherical Tetris block to make players realise the absolute futility of their idiot task is rejected again.
Virgo, August 23rd–September 22nd
You’ve got a great week in store this week, lucky in money and love! All views, thoughts, and opinions expressed in the horoscope belong solely to heavenly bodies, and are not ascribed to the author or their employer, organization, committee or other group or individual. No legal liability is assumed and by reading you have forfeited your right to take remedial action.
Libra, September 23rd–October 22nd
It’s time to align your chakras. All you’ll need is a protractor, a spirit level and a half-bottle of Jameson’s to numb yourself beforehand.
Scorpio, October 23rd–November 22nd
You and your partner thought you’d be OK using the rhythm method but the rhythm you used was Renegade Master by Wildchild and now she’s turbo-pregnant.
Sagittarius, November 22nd–December 21st
Don’t worry about the future. You can cross that rickety, half-collapsed wooden bridge over the terrifying abyss of total failure when you come to it.
Capricorn, December 22nd–January 19th
Sun’s out, guns out, arrested and charged with possession of multiple illegal firearms and denied bail.
Aquarius, January 20th–February 18th
You’ll be turning in your grave after you die. Not because your grandson inherits your house and converts it into a fetish brothel but your ashes are loaded into a centrifuge. And the fetish brothel thing.
Pisces, February 19th–March 20th
Fate will not be kind to you this week when your neighbour Alan Fate throws another bag of dogshit over the garden fence. Fuck you, Alan.