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They’re friendlier up north, and Newcastle is truly one of the friendliest places to get your head kicked in for glancing at someone’s girlfriend.

NOBODY wants sex, at least not with the person they share a bed with. It’s a faff, tiring, and engenders powerful emotional connections you could do without.

All my tattoos mean something. For example, this one means I’d been drinking all day in a pub next to a tattoo parlour.

WAKING after 36 hours of dreamless sleep, feeling well rested, I notice a fresh scar on my abdomen and realise I am missing a kidney.

THE STAR of Netflix blockbuster The Grey Man is a heartthrob for millions. He tells us about the sexual positions he’d love to try but hasn’t got round to.

LIZ Truss? Won’t hear a word against her. A brilliant stateswoman, a towering intellect, and the right choice for leader. Last week’s column backing Mordaunt was written by an intern.

The only city in a hinterland of thatched cottages, cream teas, and f**k-off rich Londoners with second homes, Plymouth therefore has all the shit stuff and a massive Naval base.

WHEN Britain’s hot Britons aren’t, because the inhabitants of this island have zero clue what styles to stretch over sunburn. Spray these on.

Town names that have ‘cum’ in the middle are home to aristocratic sex rings. Don’t let anyone tell you different.

RETURNING to consciousness naked and face-down in a pool of my own bodily fluids in the nave of St Paul’s with Pope Francis standing over me, I am pleased to realise this is all a bad dream.