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SHE’S the literary sensation of the century, but are her books understatedly fascinating or remorselessly banal? The latter.

‘Mary Magdalene wasn’t really Jesus’s girlfriend. They were more like f**k buddies,’ you explain, to your Sunday School class.

WAKING up in a Hell’s Angel clubhouse, my head thumping like the timpani section in Wagner’s Die Walküre, I taste petrol on my lips.

INNATE, incorruptible moral authority. Already in the orbit of Downing Street. Independent from the office of prime minister. Opportunity, meet Carrie.

WILL drinking heavily to dispel their social anxiety lead to love for Hannah and Alex? Or to a three-day hangover and memory gaps?

EVERY week, we ask a celebrity to imagine how they would live life as Paul Chuckle, aged 74, of Rotherham. Top Gun star Tom Cruise has a go.

TWENTY-FIVE years ago Radiohead released OK Computer, one of the most turgid albums ever played to son by dad. Here’s what’s wrong with it.

Your family cat coughs up a hairball, but the hair is all light blonde. This is how you discover your wife is shagging Boris Johnson.

Death! We’re all gonna die, soon! Even Cliff Richard! Prepare for f**king death! Don’t prance around like you’re a perpetual 25 year old! Death! Death!

DEAD MAN WALKING, the headlines said. He wasn’t a dead man back here. More like a man given a punishment-free year.