Premium

The only city in a hinterland of thatched cottages, cream teas, and f**k-off rich Londoners with second homes, Plymouth therefore has all the shit stuff and a massive Naval base.

WHEN Britain’s hot Britons aren’t, because the inhabitants of this island have zero clue what styles to stretch over sunburn. Spray these on.

Town names that have ‘cum’ in the middle are home to aristocratic sex rings. Don’t let anyone tell you different.

RETURNING to consciousness naked and face-down in a pool of my own bodily fluids in the nave of St Paul’s with Pope Francis standing over me, I am pleased to realise this is all a bad dream.

TRAINSPOTTING the movie was a phenomenon, selling posters, soundtracks and Irvine Welsh DJing in clubs. But was it any f**kn good, aye?

WHEN Chris Hemsworth is filming movies like the worst Thor one in Britain, he heads to Boots for lunch just like any office worker. He explains how he gets value out of his Meal Deal.

Enjoy railway lines, disused power stations and sprawling new housing developments? Then Didcot is your kind of shithole.

SEXUALITY? Straight as a die. No changing teams for me. Until I spent one afternoon with Penny Mordaunt, and now I’m her lesbian love-slave.

Now he’s gone, it’s clear that Boris Johnson’s greatest achievement was giving homeworkers the phrase ‘go to the fridge and hack off a piece of cheese’ as a euphemism for wanking.

I AWAKE dangling from a spire atop Westminster Abbey by the belt loop of my trousers, my cassock over my head, my garters visible to all below as I slowly rotate.