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Drake’s a Scorpio. Your pathetic little life could not be more diametrically opposed to his life of mansions and girls and success. And you still believe in this astrological bollocks?

I rolled round the fucking chancel of Westminster Abbey in a pool of my own piss when I heard this. Chelsea! Oh, my fucking scrotum!

Watching BBC Parliament, I had two thoughts: first, where’s my vibrator? Second, Big Dog is going to go fucking spare.

You’ve probably changed trains here once. Maybe, if there was an hour or more’s delay, you wandered out to find a street of Cash Converters and obviously violent pubs and concluded it was rough near the station. No. It’s all like that.

AS A chef, I’m frequently asked is how to poach the perfect egg. If that’s your biggest problem in life go fuck yourself with a rusty saw, because some of us dream of being that fucking lucky.

'I’m pretty sure he wet himself in terror just after the starter, when he admitted he was seeing that bitch who used to walk our dogs. To be fair I was reasonably close to murder.'

You will die this Thursday at 4.16pm. Sorry to be unusually specific on this occasion but it’s better you know.

You’ve got something on Johnson, haven’t you? You’ve quite obviously got something on him, you anus-faced, vacuous, useless little fucking prick!

I TOOK the call. ‘RAF Barnham here, we’ve a blonde woman says she’s foreign secretary? And she’s looking to check an AK-47 out of stores for a photoshoot?’

FOR some, this war is an abstract thing, happening far from us. They add flags to social media, share crushes on President Zelensky, and go about their day.