DID England lose against France because a striker failed to score a penalty, or for some other reason? We investigate:
Failings in the national character
Was England’s loss because we, as a nation, are predisposed toward losing? Because since we gave up our empire we’ve become afraid to win and ashamed of our achievements? Is it all, ultimately, the fault of anyone who opposed Brexit?
Likelihood: 58 per cent
Harry and Meghan’s Netflix documentary
How could our team represent their country while knowing it was being eviscerated on streaming services? How could any Englishman’s guts not be churning at Meghan’s mocking curtsey? How could Harry Kane score when he shares a name with a traitor?
Likelihood: 66 per cent
Being on ITV
There’s never anything good on ITV on Saturday nights, and England-France was no exception. Pressured to be as disappointing as The Jonathan Ross Show followed by highlights from the Championship, the team scaled down their performance accordingly.
Likelihood: 79 per cent
Being too woke
Taking the knee before every match? Being provocatively multi-racial? There’s none woker than the England team, and their pathetic obeisance to the liberal media meant they were afraid to erase France’s lived experience by winning. Pathetic.
Likelihood: 88 per cent
Not being woke enough
Harry Kane, as England captain, bravely planned to wear a non-specific rainbow OneLove armband before capitulating to FIFA at the first hint of a threat of repercussions. Did his own cowardice haunt him at the penalty spot and cause him to deliberately miss?
Likelihood: 93 per cent
Gareth Southgate setting a bad example
‘I missed a penalty,’ a mocking voice whispered in the ear of an England hero as he stepped up to the spot, ‘and I’m fine. I did a Pizza Hut advert and now I’m my country’s manager! Miss it, Harry! Think of your long-term career and miss it! For me!’
Likelihood: 97 per cent
The man not kicking the ball into the goal
Nothing to do with it. Frankly it’s childish to believe such a simplistic interpretation of events.
Likelihood: 0 per cent