Footballs next thing to be banned from Qatar World Cup

PRESSURISED air-filled balls made of polyurethane panels are the next thing to be banned from World Cup stadiums by the Qatari royal family.

With beer sales set to be prohibited at the tournament, Qatar has gone a step further by getting rid of footballs because they encourage disorderly behaviour amongst fans and players.

Qatari ruler Sheikh Tamim bin Hamad Al Thani said: “I looked over our laws and right near the bottom, just underneath where it says killing migrant workers is okay, it clearly specifies ‘no footballs’. My bad. 

“Thanks for all the money though. Apart from no alcohol, no celebrating, no hugging, no gay people and now no balls, holding the World Cup here was obviously the right thing to do.

“I’m not sure how you’ll fill all those 90-minute fixtures but I’m sure you’ll think of something. You’ve got 48 hours until the first match, which is ages. Maybe all the players could race each other? That’ll kill some time.

“We’re not unreasonable. Fans can still have a kickabout in their hotel rooms so long as they have a special permit. Perhaps that could be the real competition? I don’t know, I’m just throwing out ideas here. Chime in if you think of something better.”

England fan Wayne Hayes said: “I still reckon Southgate’s squad can go all the way. No ball just means we won’t let any goals in.”

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Stop making us feel like voyeurs, people with no net curtains or blinds told

PEOPLE who insist on leaving their living rooms exposed to passers-by have been told to stop violating their own privacy.

Despite the existence of net curtains, blinds and actual curtains, many Britons are happy to exhibit their domestic lives like goldfish in a bowl, leaving people outside irrationally feeling like peeping toms.

Passer-by Norman Steele said: “I walk along my road and I have to crick my neck to avoid seeing in at number seven. I try to remember not to look but it’s human nature to be aware of your surroundings.

“I don’t want to know that they watch Richard Madeley every morning on a 48” TV. That the mother needs to ditch that pink and yellow dressing gown due to her visual similarity to Mr Blobby. That their eight-year-old daughter is the spitting image of Liz Truss. 

“I’m not judging them. I don’t want to f**king know about them. Yet they make me feel like James Stewart in Rear Window. Just close your curtains, for Christ’s sake. It’s not difficult.

“I’ve only one strategy left, standing in front of their window in thick spectacles, leering and rummaging in my trouser pocket suspiciously. I’ll be arrested, naturally, but it’ll be worth the prison time to make them at least get some nets.”

Homeowner Donna Sheridan said: “I have no plans to draw my curtains, ever. Although yesterday I counted 11 men and several women having a crafty look through my front window. 

“All I was doing was jogging on the spot in a surprisingly realistic elephant costume in preparation for a charity run. How on earth could that get someone’s attention? Perverts.”