Oh, and if we win you have to drop the language, England tells Wales

THE England team have casually mentioned that tonight’s match not only decides progression to the next round but also Wales’s national tongue. 

England have decided to raise the stakes in the much-anticipated group game between the two UK sides to give Wales a bit of extra motivation to pull out the stops and go for it.

England captain Harry Kane said: “One of the lads came up with the idea and we thought, why not? Give it a bit of extra oomph.

“We ran it past the government and they explained they ‘couldn’t give a f**k about Wales’ so I called up Gareth Bale and told them they’re not just playing for qualification but for the future of the Welsh language and by extension the nation.

“He was so angry he was spluttering down the phone, though come to think of it that may have been Welsh, but we’re hoping it’ll put a rocket up them and make a game of it.

“They’ll have to beat us by four clear goals so the odds are very much against it, but what a moment for the nation if they win, eh? It’d make previous achievements like Tom Jones taking It’s Not Unusual to number one look like nothing.

“Will we have to speak Welsh if they do? Don’t be ridiculous. But we’ll magnanimously allow them to carry on speaking it if we’re not around.”

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Pair of sexless lumps under blankets used to be man and wife

A PAIR of unmoving, sexless lumps buried beneath multiple layers of blankets and clothing were once man and wife, it is believed. 

The heaps, which never move apart from to involuntarily shiver, are thought to have been couple Joseph and Marie Turner as recently as October.

Archaologist Denys Finch Hatton said: “At first we assumed these two inanimate accretions of blankets, coverlets, hoodies and fleece-lined slippers had formed naturally.

“But then further scans revealed that, impossible to tell as it was from their unmoving surfaces, these heaps were once alive and human.

“Indeed we believe, based on the television before them cycling through various unappealing options on Netflix, that deep down inside there remains a spark of consciousness and a remote control.

“They no longer have any of the attributes we would associate with human. They no longer have any awareness of each other’s existence. The cold has taken it all away.”

He added: “It is possible they could be returned to a state recognisable as human by the application of warmth. But we can’t afford to put the heating on. This is a three-bed house.”