2026 Mongo World Cup triggers controversy

FIFA has promised an investigation into the successful 2026 World Cup bid by the planet Mongo.

Work on the stadia has been plagued with rumours that unions have been suppressed, worker wages withheld and the entire world is enslaved by the threat of an enormous death ray.

Ruler Ming The Merciless said: “Our bid was the most competitive and we’re confident that the Hawkmen will be utterly crushed before the opening ceremony.

“I think the last thing anyone wants is Brian Blessed shouting abuse at the dancers and shitting on Pele from a height of 300 feet.”

Reporter Dale Arden has managed to gain access to footage of Sepp Blatter having dinner with The Merciless in his palatial Magnetic Mountains residence while scantily-clad green women cavorted for their pleasure.

Documents also show that several high-ranking FIFA officials bought land in the uninhabitable Dire Marsh region before Mongo was named as host. They have since made massive profits as the lands are drained to make way for infrastructure and by selling its native lizard men as meat.

FIFA have appointed independent investigator and former footballer Flash Gordon to investigate the situation on Mongo, mostly with his shirt off.

Arden said: “I love Flash but he only has fourteen hours to gather enough evidence to warrant a second vote.”


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Human personality just a reaction to weather

YOUR thoughts and feelings are dictated by whether it is sunny.

Researchers at the Institute for Studies found that rather than having a complex psychological core or even an immortal soul, humans are organic machines made happy by sunshine and sad by the rain.

Professor Henry Brubaker said: “Recently fluctuations in weather demonstrate how there is nothing really to us, character-wise, beyond opening the curtains and going ‘yay’ or ‘boo’.

“If the sun is out you feel content and want beer and sexual intercourse. The song Lovely Day by Bill Withers will be playing in your head.

“If it’s rainy you will be in a mood and probably thinking about quitting your job.

“That’s all there is to you really.”

38-year-old Emma Bradford said: “That’s rubbish, my nan died last week and I was an emotional wreck.

“Thinking about it though the weather brightened up in the afternoon and we did have quite a nice time at the wake.”