ROMAN Abramovich has bought the Trident weapons system as part of a plan to shore up Chelsea’s defences.
The £25 billion price tag represents a club record and sends a signal that Abramovich is serious in his ambitions for Chelsea FC to be feared globally.
Footballologist Wayne Hayes said: “The question is, would Chelsea seriously deploy nuclear warheads to prevent Ashley Young from making a surging run from midfield?
“They’d prevent a certain goal but in the process annihilate London, kill millions of people and condemn many more to a slow, agonising death – and all for three points. Would it be worth it?
“Nuclear weapons can be a strategic boon, but they present managers with big moral decisions, affecting not only the outcome of the match but the survival of humanity.”
Defence expert Stephen Malley said: “This signals the beginning of a football arms race. Arsene Wenger has just maxed out his budget with four broken Chieftain tanks.
“Stoke have converted their restaurant into a laboratory and are hoping to enrich uranium in time for the re-opening of the weapons transfer window.
“And Manchester City’s owners have bought the Star Wars Missile Defence system, but are still working out a way to make it only cover the blue half of the City.”